Tahun baru. Azam baru

Saya nak kurus! Saya nak berhenti merokok! Saya nak berjaya dalam pelajaran! Saya nak jadi anak yang soleh / solehah! Saya nak jadi baik! 

Tiap2 tahun macam tu lah azam2 orang sekarang ni.  Ada juga yang azamnya sudah melangkah ke hadapan. Almaklumlah, hidup dah berkeluarga. Ada yang ingin menjadi suami mithali. Ada yang berazam bagi menjadi ibu bapa yang terbaik untuk anak-anaknya. Tak kurang juga azam nak cari calon isteri kedua. =.=

Tiap2 tahun, kita memperbaharui azam kita. Iye. Tahun baru. Azam pun baru. Tapi tak kurang juga yang hanya ‘renew’ azam tahun lepas kerana tak dapat nak menunaikannya.  Tak kisah la. Sama ada  kita cuma renew azam tahun lepas atau pun kita mempunyai azam baru. Yang penting kita cuba, eh eh bukan cuba, tapi kita kena betul2 berusaha untuk merealisasikan azam tersebut.

Afi nak share satu nasihat yang afi dengar di radio ikim dua hari lepas. Pasal azam. Dan macam mana kita nak pastikan kita ada progress dalam proses kita nak merealisasikan azam kita. Mungkin bagi sesetengah orang akan cakap “Alah, azam tahun baru. Cliché gila..” “Amboi, nak jadi orang baik la, dengar nasihat sikit nak share kat blog. Gaya bajet jaa..” Tak kisah la apa yang terdetik di hati pembaca blog saya ni. Yang penting niat saya nak share. Kalau ada manfaatnya, ambil lah. Saya tak untung atau rugi sesen pun J

Untuk berazam, yang pertama kita kena pastikan azam kita tu ada ukuran tersendiri. Tanpa kayu pengukur, macam mana kita nak tahu pencapaian kita. Betul tak? Untuk dapat ukuran itu, kita kena tengok balik azam kita.  Spesifikasi kan azam kita balik kalau perlu.

Senario pertama, saya nak jadi baik! Okey, baik itu apa ukurannya? Kecilkan skop anda. Nak jadi baik dengan cara jaga solat, contohnya. Okey, macam mana nak jaga solat? Pastikan solat cukup 5 waktu? Belajar memahami bacaan dalam solat? Solat pada awal waktu? Jika diperhati, untuk menjadi baik itu luas skopnya. Kecilkan. Lebih mudah kita nak capai azam kita dengan cara mengecilkan skop kita.

Senario kedua, saya nak berjaya dalam pelajaran! Apa ukuran berjaya dalam pelajaran? Nak dapat 5A dalam UPSR? Nak dapat 8A dalam PMR? Tempat pertama dalam setiap ujian/peperiksaan? Hmm, apa kata kita kecilkan lagi skop ni. Contohnya, setiap ujian, kena dapat markah minima yang tertentu. (contohnya 75 ke atas) Macam mana nak dapat markah minima ini? Ha! Kena tahu juga topik mana yang nak kena fahami betul2.  Formula mana yang perlu diingati. Berapa banyak latih tubi kena buat sehari? Berapa jam masa yang kena peruntukan untuk study?

Senario ketiga, tentunya paling common among girls, saya nak kurus! Kurus macam mana tu? Berapa saiz baju yang jadi idaman? Berapa kilo nak diturunkan? Aktiviti apa yang dirancang untuk kuruskan badan? Contonya, jogging 30 minit setiap petang di taman rekreasi. Pergi gym 2 jam setiap minggu. Kuantiti makan kena kurangkan banyak mana? Apa menu makanan setiap hari?

Setiap azam yang kita buat, kena kecilkan. Bagi mudah nak ukur. Azam yang umum dan tidak spesifik lebih cenderung untuk gagal dilaksanakan. Mungkin sebab azam itu kedengaran terlalu susah nak dibuat, akhirnya terus dilupakan azam tu.

Bila dah ada azam yang ada ukuran, kita kena ada tempoh masa. Penting sangat ke tempoh masa ni? Tentulah penting. Bayangkan jika kita berazam untuk kuruskan badan, tapi sebab taka da tempoh masa, kita akan buat sambil lewa saja. Buat bena tak bena. Iye lah… masa kan masih panjang. Esok ada lagi. Last2, tahun depan, ‘renew’ lagi azam yang sama. Sebab tu lah kena ada tempoh masa. Saya berazam nak turun 5 kilo dalam masa dua bulan! Saya berazam nak solat awal waktu tak pernah miss dalam masa sebulan! Saya nak ‘master’ topik vector dalam Add maths dalam masa 3 minggu! Bila dah ada had masa, kita tak akan tertangguh. Tapi kena make sure masa tu relevan la. Tak kan la nak kuruskan 5 kilo dalam maa sehari? Kena la relevan pada kemampuan diri sendiri.  

Dah berazam? Dah spesifikkan azam? Dah letak had tempoh masa? Sudah. Sudah dan sudah. Sekarang ni, kita kena selalu pantau. Letak dalam diary. Tak pun buat alarm dalam telefon tu. Tiap2 dua bulan ka, ukur balik pencapaian kita. Muhasabah balik. Berjaya ke tak. Kalau berjaya, Alhamdulilah. Teruskan usaha. Dan jika mampu, lipat gandakan usaha anda untuk dapat yang lebih baik. Kalau belum berjaya, jangan sedih. Jangan bakar planner yang tertulis azam anda pulak. Selalunya, jika tak berjaya, mesti ada sesuatu kekurangan dalam perancangan kita tu. No one is planning to fail. But those who fail to plan are actually planning to fail. Tengok balik mana kekurangan tu. Ubah lah. Tetapi jangan sesekali putus harapan.

"….dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesunnguhnya yang berputus asa dari rahmat Allah, hanyalah orang-orang yang kafir." (Surah Yusuf Ayat 87)

"Dia (Ibrahim) berkata, “Tidak ada yang berputus asa dari rahmat Tuhannya, kecuali orang yang sesat."(Surah Al-Hijr Ayat 56)

Untuk berjaya dalam apa jua destinasi kita, kita kena sentiasa ada dinding. Mendaki tangga yang tidak disandarkan kepada dinding hanya akan membuat kita jatuh. Dan kejatuhan kita itu akan lebih perit dan sakit. Eh, dinding apa yang afi maksudkan ni? Dinding ini merujuk kepada agama. Hal ini kerana ramai orang yang berjaya mendaki tangga sehingga puncak, tetapi lepas tu baru sedar tangga itu tidak disandarkan kepada dinding yang kukuh. Yang utuh. Dan akhirnya mereka jatuh. Jatuh ke tempat yang lebih rendah dari permulaan tadi. So, jangan lupa agama sepanjang hidup kita. Islam itu Addin. Islam itu cara hidup. 

Rasanya, sampai sini dahulu entry blog kali ni, afi sekadar berniat untuk berkongsi ilmu yang diperoleh. Boleh la berkongsi manfaat bersama2. J Majukanlah diri anda untuk agama, bangsa dan negara. Hmm, dah penat2 baca ni, jangan lupa nak tinggalkan pesan / komen, ye. Mana tahu ada apa2 untuk diperbetulkan. Semoga berjumpa lagi pada entry seterusnya. Assalamualaikum wbt 

A Tour around Alor Setar

23 Disember 2012

Hari ni mak su datang, yeay! First time mak su naik Kedah. Ayah mak su ada kerja kat Jitra. Jadi mak su pun datang la sekali. Lagi pun pak su kat Iraq sekarang ni. Outstation. Dah almost 2 bulan dah. Haish, engineer mmg cm ni kan? Pak ngah pun sama gak. Hari tu pak ngah outstation sebulan lebih. Kat Ireland, kalo tak silap. Pak su tu baru bina kerjaya, banyak sikit kerjanya. Tahun lepas pun pak su beraya kat pelantar minyak. HAHAHA. Sian pak su. Kesian jugak mak su sebab dapat hubby yang workaholic.

Back to our hangout with mak su and her mother. We all plan nak gi menara alor setar, rumah kelahiran Tun Dr Mahathir n Pekan Rabu. Tapi, adik kepada mak mak su (berbelit dak? Haha) meninggal pagi tu. So, berkejaran lah jugak pergi Shahab Perdana nak beli tiket balik Johor. Tanya dok tanya sana sini, tak dak gak. Iya lah, tenggah cuti la katakana. Penuh lah tiket bas tu. Sampai kol ke MAS nak tanya psl tiket. Tapi kalo blh, nenek (refer kepada mak mak su ye) tak nak naik flight, ye lah, susah nanti orang nak dating menjemput. Kalo naik bas tu, dekat sikit. Katanyanya stesen bas dekat ngn rumah nak dituju. Luckily, ada satu rejected ticket ke Johor tp pkol 10.30 mlm nnt la.

Satu benda yang paling aku respek ngan keluarga mak su ni, dorang memang ikut cakap suami. Nenek telefon Atok (ayah mak su) tanya patut tak balik. Mintak kebenaran dlu. Nenek siap cakap, dia sanggup tak blik kalo nyusahkan suaminya nanti. Tapi atok sruh blik jgk. Iyelah, takkan tak blik ble adik meninggal. Nanti apalah kata orang2 kampung. Banyak bgusnya nenek blik johor ni. Saya tanya mak su, mak su tak balik ke. Mak su kata mak su tak Tanya pak su lagi. Lagi pun, susah nak naik bas ngan Husna ni.

tour tmpat2 yang dah di’plan’kan tu…amboi teruknya bahasa. Lepas jln2 ke kawasan yang dirancangkan, bawalah mak su dan nenek ke rumah. Macam2 benda yang disembangkan. Sebenarnya, mak su dan pak su are my most favourite uncle and aunties ever. They are like the Addin and Benz in AaBb. My idola. My role model. Dan saya senang berbicara dgn mereka.

Hmm, mostly topic kami ni pasal kisah cikgu. Dan saya yakin semua orang yang merupakan anak cikgu rata2 akan setuju dengan apa yang kami bicarakan. Mungkin dalam next entry…or next next entry saya akan cakap pasal kisah guru…. Hmm. Depends on mood and time. And place also. Mana lah tahu. Tetibe bilik saya takda elektrik macam semalam. L

Hmm, dah bawak mak su gi makan laksa teluk kechai. Dekat area kuala kedah. Sedap tauuu. Murah lagi. Kalau org KL datang, mesti excited pasal harga laksa ni. Mak su pun dah cuba nasi lemak royale dekat area anak bukit. Itu pun not bad. Antara tempat makan yang saya akan rekemenkan kepada pengunjung yang datang ke Alor Setar.

#Asyraf ada cakap, posting what happen on that day makes the blog appear as diary. But for me, I post what happen that day that can give me nasihat dan renungan. Sebab sometimes we just have to stand still and take a step back to look around you. Then you start to realise that even the smallest thing in our daily life can teach us a very big lesson.

That’s all for now. Salam sayang dari afi. Peacee. 

Minat.Kerja.

Bekerja dengan benda yang kita suka versus bekerja dengan benda yang kita tak suka! Atau dengan bahasa yang lagi senang, kerja yang kita minat versus kerja yang kita tak minat. Hmm, topic ni agak ke ‘future’ utk budak lepasan PMR dan SPM. Tapi kalau nak diikutkan, planning for the future start early. You don’t wait until you already outside then you plan. Start when you are in the doorstep! Better yet before.  Itu yang afi sbg kakak yang mithali la sgt ni selalu cakap kat farhan n sepupu afi yang lain. If ada sepupu yang datang tanya nasihat, I’m more than happy to help them. J

People say, for a long term, you wont find happiness if you are forcing yourself -either you realise it or not- to work in the field you are now standing in. You will slowly, yes very slowly become empty.  Closer to feel the emptiness in your heart yet your very own soul. However once you put interest in it, you will start to enjoy the life that comes with the carrier. Yes, life! You will enjoy it all. Tapi macam mana dengan minat? Macam mana nak develop? Tak susah. For me, its a bit of here and there. You can. Just need a bit of effort and a little push.

Okey, back to the versus issue. Minat. Since small, I always look up upon the doctor carrier. Even when I was told that the carrier is not worth it. Even when my uncle i adore very much against my choice. But I still want it. Though, truth to be told, I did consider being an accountant and lecturer when I'm in form 5, but later I rejected it.  Hmm, mungkin sebab abah pernah ada issue slip disk yang buat afi nak menyarung kot putih dan stetoskop di leher saya.  Or maybe I never had any desire to other carrier. Or maybe it’s all due to hand of fate. Iyelah, kalau saya teruskan jugak dengan kerja accountant tu, tak dapatlah nk jumpa ngn si dia. tak dapat berjumpa 25 ragam manusia yang unik. so, Alhamdulilah. Bersyukurlah dengan apa yang diperoleh. 

Masa mak cik ajak kerja sambilan mengajar subjek biology, memang la ada terlintas nak cakap “ya, saya nak” tapi last2 afi tolak jugak. Iye lah, with only SPM qualification and AS result, mampu ka afi? Afi tak nak lah tutor orang ke arah yang salah. My ‘students’ tu mestilah someone like Azfar yang eager to know more than text book. Yang nak tahu semua, x kisah la dari sekecil2 atom sampai lah ke sebesar2 alam. Ilmu afi tak cukup banyak lagi. Afi perlu timba banyak ilmu lagi. Takpa lah, afi rasa afi lagi layak jaga Abdullah ‘twelve’. Mungkin ada yang anggap afi tak reti nak ambil peluang, tapi afi yakin ini yang terbaik. InsyaAllah. J

This could be me. Why not?

P/s: tlg doakan afi ye. Afi nak kerja kat rumah anak yatim kat area masjid al-bukhary. dpt tlg jd tutor pun takpelah. harap dipermudahkan cara. :)

Tentang Dhiya

Hari ni saya nak bercakap pasal sebuah novel yang saya selalu baca. Yang saya sangat suka. Mungkin sebab saya rasa novel itu sangat rapat dan sangat dekat dengan saya. Bunyi cm pelik je kan. Huhu. Si Dia pernah tegur saya. Cakap kenapa saya selalu baca novel tu. Dah lima enam kali saya baca depan dia. Mungkin sebab tu kot dia tanya.  Bila fikir balik, kenapa eh? Apa yang buat saya rasa rapat sangat dengan buku tu? Apa speselnya buku Tentang Dhiya tu? Simple! Sebab watak Dhiya Nurlisa tu seiras saya. Cewahh. Mungkin bunyi cam perasan sikit. Iye lah, sesedap bicara ja mengaku watak  novel tu mcm diri sniri. Tapi malangnya itu yang saya rasa. hahaha *masuk bakul angkat sendiri*

Apa yang samanya? Sampai saya sanggup masuk bakul ni??  Yang pertama sekali, macam watak Dhiya, saya percaya ngan prinsip forgive and forget. If someone I care do something wrong, no matter how bad it was, I will forgive them. But surely I won’t forget. Bunyi macam kejam kan? Tapi bagi saya, itu modus operandi yang terbaik. Sebab kalau saya forgive and forget, saya akan betul2 forget it as if there is no we. Like the word we don’t exist. Sebab itu lah, istilah forgive and forget hanyalah dibuat pada enemy. Pada orang yang kita nak lupakan. Kerana luka yang terlalu dalam? Atau munkin kerana hendak move on cause we need to move on. Sebab hidup ini tetap perlu diteruskan jugak. Wow, I reallyyy sound tragic. huhu

Sebab kedua, saya takut sakit. Sakit secara emosional. Saya sanggup buat apa sahaja agar saya tak disakiti. Sampai saya terlalu takut ambil risiko. Saya lebih suka berdiam diri dan berlagak tenang waktu berlaku sesuatu. Walaupun ada yang menunjukkan muka simpati, saya akan tenangkan muka dan buat2 macam saya tak efek sikit pun. Padahal dalam hati dah gedabak gedebuk hancur lebur dah nak jadi abu dah pun. 

Saya  jenis yang akan diamkan diri kalau saya rasa orang di sisi saya tengah bad mood, or tgh marah ka. Sebab perasaan kena jerkah sangat menusuk ke hati. Tambah2 kalo ayat2 yg dipakai tu kalah rasa  cabai Melaka ngn blackpepper yang berat smpai sekilo.  Akan terkesan sangat dalam hati tu. Punya lah saya fobia dengan benda2 ni sampai Si Dia pun dah marah2 dekat saya. Last2 saya akan tetap elakkan pandangan mata dia, x nak dia tau mata saya dah berair. Tapi seriesly saya tak tau nak explain perasaan takut nih. Haishh…dok si dia si dia ja dari tadi. Wonder gak sapa si dia tuhh.. haha. yelah2  si dia tu asyraf zai! Nak tau lebih lagi? Hah, jgn harap saya nak ckp. Off-limit kayy. :P

Hahaha.. dah2. Karang cakap pasal Asyraf, memang menyimpang lah kepala saya. Tak boleh fikir dengan baik dah. Dok asyik teringat je sbb tggh memendaam rindu la katakann. Ehem2.  Jom kita kembali ke zaman keseriusan balik ye...yang ketiganya, saya tak pandai nak meluahkan. Akhirnya, jadilah orang selalu memendam rasa.

Apabila kau rasa sedih dan kau tak boleh nak luahkan….benda tu akan jadi suatu perkara yang kau akan ingat sampai bila2. Apabila perkara tu terkumpul dengan perasaan sedih yang lain...kau tau tak, sakit? Dan masa tu, kau menangis macam mana pun, rasa sakit tu takkan kurang.

Hmm, rasanya berdasarkan 3 isi-isi penting di atas, kena buat conclusion la nih.. hmm, saya punyai satu kelebihan yang saya sendiri tak  suka. Kelebihan yang saya masih belajar utk kikis dari dalam diri saya. Sedikit perubahan perlu dibuat dan mungkin saya akan berubah sama ada sekecil2 saiz atom kepada perubahan secara total. Tetapi, perubahan itu satu perkara yang baik, bukan? Doakanlah saya ye. Thats all for now. See you. 

Mumbling n Rambling

I just tried my new swimming trunk! Maybe patut panggil it swimming suit kot cause it comes in a full set. Well, to tell the truth, having a swimming suit do scares a bit of me. Why? Its simple. I’m…err… well…there’s a tiny little tiny (nanometre size) part of me scared of swimming. Ade la pengalaman lemas waktu kecik dulu. Tapi mungkin lepas tu tak penah try swim balik…so, smpi kesudah tak dak keyakinan diri. Tak gitu, afi..

Ehm, sambung blik psl swimming suit tuu ehh… Okey. My first impression to it… It has a skirt-like-structure! And its blue! Okey, why blue? Must all my things is blue in colour??? Warghh… now I come to realise that im a fan of blue colour… but then its well better than hot pink rite… You think I'm forgetting something?? Guess what. Im not! Coz I aint gonna talk about its skirt-like-structure course its tooo embarrassing. huhuhu

Mine n yes its mine :)

Ehm..my parents plan nk tmbh rumah and do some renovation. If everything goes well, rumah jadik dua tingkat lah nanti. Tapi seisly, mampu ka mak nk kemas rumah dua tingkat ni? Rumah sedia ada bukan la sekankang kera mcm apartment ke kondo ka. Tu...rumah kat Baling lagi....haii. tapi dah parents da nekad kan, nak wat cena. Berjam2 gak bincang cm na nk buat susun atur rumah  bru. Tiga empat kali gak lukih plan. Terasa cm nk jadi arkitek lak bila dok lukih2 nih. Tapi bla pikir blik la kan, layak ka ak nk jadi arkitek? Lukih straigth line pun dua tiga kali padam. haaahaa. nasib baik mak ngn abah stuju ngn plan yg ak cdg....rsa berbaloi n bertambah2 happy lah. :D

Okey, thats all for tonight. Im off to have my supper. See u all later. :)

warkah buat sahabat

Sedar tak sedar setahun setengah sudah berlalu. Perkenalan 26 pasang mata di atas tanah bumi MSU pada 13 Jun 2011 mencorak perjalanan selama setahun setengah menjalani persediaan ke luar negara. Pejam celik pejam celik, bersatu kami menghadapi peperiksaan AS dikuti IELTS dan akhirnya peperiksaan A2. Pelbagai pengalaman pahit manis yang dialami bersama. Suatu pengalaman yang tidak dapat ditukar ganti. Percayalah kalau saya katakan setahun setengah ini lebih banyak mencorak peribadi dan hala tuju hidup saya berbanding semasa berada di Kedah. 

Benarlah kata seorang sahabat baikku, bila kita menapak kaki di luar sana, kita akan jumpa dengan pelbagai jenis orang. Ada yang berkawan secara ikhlas, ada yang sekadar bertujuan untuk mengambil kesempatan, ada yang hanya sekadar kawan pada nama. Ada yang dating sebagai pembawa khabar gembira. Malah ada yang datang  membawa duka dan lara.  Akan tetapi, janganlah risau kerana ada yang ingin dan mahu mengajak kita untuk berubah ke jalan yang lebih baik.  Untuk itu, saya berterima kasih kepada semua atas jasa dan ‘jasa’ yang pernah ditaburkan dalam menjadikan saya seperti sekarang. 

Terima kasih sahabat-sahabatku kerana menjadi pendengar yang setia. Terima kasih sahabat-sahabatku kerana berani menegur dan tetap menerimaku yang serba kekurangan ini seadanya. Terima kasih kerana sanggup meminjamkan bahu ketika saya berduka.Terima kasih kerana sanggup bersengkang mata menjagaku ketika saya jatuh sakit. Terima kasih atas segala gelak tawa yang kita kongsi bersama. Terima kasih atas segala-galanya. 

-.-

HA HA HA HA HA HA !! before you think im in a happy mood, do notice the sarcasm note here. Thank you very much. :)

well, now..you may wonder why i have this so called sarcasm laugh. or maybe you just some passer by that just enjoy reading but yet do not take any note at all? OR maybe there is no you at all as im  just an anonymous blogger that just blog for my own self. now i make myself sound so pathetic. huhu.

there is something happen quite recently. quite shocking but 85% cliche. why? becausse i know it would happen. and it did. just the way i thought it...no, im not going to make a comment on it as i had no rights for that. but i do have my own opinion. my own POV. but i guess it will sound so bad if i pointed it out. Best solution is keep my mouth tight. hold on to things that i care and people that i love and live on. 

i have one long piece of advice. if you break IT, its your bad luck. you just have to pay for it and hold dearly to the broken pieces. 

:(

okay...seisly. smthg is wrong with me! feel like wanna talk so much bout all this with fatah. text him all night yet still not relieved.(sorry ganggu your family time.)

why? what i am thinking?? what i am doubting about?? am i hurt emotionally..or tired physically? or is it homesick??  guess the quest has started for me to search and find out all by myself. 

These are the times i really wish i still have him in my contact list. if i am not super idiot, i wont delete him out of anger or shame. ergh, now i sounds like i'm wailing in self pity. GREAT!! just so damn great. 

Colours of person

A man shine in its own unique way synchronized with his characteristics and lifestyle. Some shine in a cheerful yellow or the vibrant red or even the mysterious black. It may haven’t shine yet but who knows when it do, it shine the brightest of all!                                                                                                                                                                                 

I live life in my own way. I speak what I want in my own way. So, whatever you say, comment or criticism, believe me, I don’t care. If you are not fine with it, then it’s your problem.

Accepting a person by only parts of his life is called hypocrite. But accepting him as a full is called love. 

 Because deep down, I know there are still many people out there that can accept me just the way I am. In a nutshell, I deserve well better than you! 

trust. betrayal

"Trust. Betrayal. And I cant cope with this. The hurt."

a close friend of mine said this to me. we had a mini heart to heart discussion. and yes, i can see the hurt. glimmering in the eyes. god knows how this tear me up from the inside. and its all but damn truth anyway. Betrayal is the worst pain. duri dalam daging or anything you may call it.

Aha! moments

Aha moments?! ever heard of it? ever encounter it? okey, for a good start, let me ask you. what is aha moment? if you expect me to explain....then you completely WRONG!! I am damn tired right now and my headache just cant stop itself from knocking my small and beautifuly craved skull. hihihi. sorry to say, you just need to ask Mr Google by yourself then. 

everyone must have been familiar with aha moments. just not the terms. well, even Newton had his aha moments under the shady tree of apple tree. well, with the help of gravity and a ripe apple.eureka also have its own story behind the curtain. bla.bla.bla. anyway... i just wanna post a short post only. nothing much about the definition. but about the feeling you had during this Aha moment and the consequences you face. well, to talk about this, i need to give my example. the real example from my life itself... ergh, i rlly dont like to open up especially about my life.

 

MY AHA MOMENTSS... yup. if you notice my extra 's' at the word moment. well, it indicate that i have many ( >1 ) moments in my almost 19 years of life. hmm, which aha moments i wanna talk about? what if i let you choose..? emm, nehi! never! its my blog. and it is well aware that its my full option. :D well, lets talk about the recent one....

As, some may know. i had a big issue. opps, correction. my housemate and i have a big issue. its partially settle now but as i say...its partially only. on our path to partially deal with this issue, i had a lot of aha moments. some of it really deeply touch my heart and soul.  I cried so many times ( cant believe i admit this out loud ). I throw away my  pride and engulf myself in the warm and comfort of people's hug.

i learnt a lot of useful and practical method to ease my burden. thanks to him. :) and i learn to push away the unpractical things from my mind when i don't need to think about it. and guess what?! i survived! and is a big accomplish already. though my parents still unaware. :(

crap. my short post has experience aha moment by itself. it had learnt how to extend itself!!  i think i shud stop typing rite now or this post will become a gigantic hellaluva post. bye for now! :)

awak happy kan? u feel like the burden is lifted or maybe it is because u can talk about random stuff with the one you didn't talk leisurely before. i can see it from your action. from the way you talk. awak, i am happy for  you.  seriesly am.  better yet, i search my heart and i found that i am sincerely happy for you. i really wish you can accomplish what you want and this will be the start of the end of your miserability... ergh. sound konfius rite. ;)

anyhow...some of you may ask me. why i post this? any significance?? well, its because i care. care enough to feel for you...n i care because i sayang u.

..result...O...result..

Alhamdulilah.. Finally the AS result and IELTS result are out!HAHA.  I can still remember the sleepless nights and the tiring days that we had to endure together. I can still remember doing maths at 3 am and go to class at 8 am after a few hours of sleep only. Well, I can say for sure that it paid us off really well. All of us  have passed our requirements by the JPA. We had proven ourselves in these tests. yeay!! 

Well, for me, I am very grateful with my band 7.5 and 3A's and 1B I got. I can never asked for more. Honestly speaking, I am kinda sensitive with the results of any test that i took. even if it just some stupid quizzes. why? well, there is a story behind it anyway. besides that i always take tests, quizzes and competition too seriously. ( firdaus had once said this to me. he said that i can take small things too seriously and ignore the big point of the event. haha. i'm sorry but it seems that i haven't changed a bit in this particular habit )

I always thought that I have to prove myself in order to get his attention. And i try my best to prove it through exams especially the major one such as UPSR, PMR, SPM and A-LEVEL. and honestly speaking a B in my AS result is a small heart breaking for me. yes, its true i cry because I am happy. but i do feel a bit of sad as all my housemate got straight A's. but, above all, i was thinking about him. i feel like i had failed myself. 

Okey, lets not talk about this failing part. lets talk about future now. lets talk about A2 and my preparations for that. Hmm... I'm striving myself harder for A2 and I am targeting to fly to India with all my classmate. And I am still not giving up with my aim  proving myself. Even if i know its pointless. but hey, if this makes me feel better, then i should go for it right. 

well, guess this is all for now. for those who read this, hope you enjoy yourself. :) you may agree or disagree with me. or you may have a completely different opinion. well, Im not saying I am right and you are wrong or vice versa. but, we have different points of view in life and what i wrote in my blog is what i actually feel and think. minna, see you soon... ;)

to tell or not to tell

Some may say im asking the stupidest question. some will say Im asking something that is obvious. but let me assure you that it wont bug me this worse if not because i think its just some holy shit of crap. seriesly!

I am not from a split family. HELL NO!! It just that we are not that close. and yes, i try. I DID try to work things out. but i guess, when you wore your ego as a crown on top of your head, it wont help that much. it just make things twice or maybe a dozen more difficult.

it hurts when your friends can have a phone calls from your family at least once a day or more when you had none. its painful when you hold up phone to call them, and your first thought are "are they busy?" or " am i going to disturb them?" or "can i call them now? or later?"

it eyes watering when i listen to someone's conversation with their beloved family. i can hear them talking bout random things like the food they ate just now. the activities they do in the evening. or even the topics they study at class today. sometimes when the people next to me got a call from his or her family, i'll just turn my back and flee.

its a heart-stabbing experience when people points out to you that you aren't close to your parents. or when people said that the way i talk to my elder brother like he is a same-aged friend. like i have no respect for him as my abang. or was it twice hurt when the one who said it was from the one that IS important to me? im clueless now.

Like i used to say before this, beggars cant be picky. well, i AM a begger right now. Im begging for our reunion again. and im trying my best outfit to make things right. i try to keep a steady step but yet its too slow. sometimes i doubt myself. can i make it? do i have the capability? if i do, how am i going to do it?

my tremor was the worst thing that ever happen to my life. but out of it, it bind us together. i once thought that I'm over it already. i even stop myself from those medications. well, i don't want to be dependent on meds at age of 19. but somehow, it strikes back. harder this time. to make thing worse, i find myself more vulnerable than before. one small push and ill be kneeling with despair. (P/s: Im keeping this secret from most of ppl esp my family. i mean about it become worst part thingy things)

sometimes, i thought that there is no point of hiding when people notice my pale face. yess i am pale. coz im tired and i dont feel so well.and sometimes i stuck up my brain with lots of things till it become too disorder. huh. puas hati?! finally i admit it out loud!

no love

Staring out into the world across the streetYou hate the way your life turned out to beHe's pulling up in the driveway and you don't make a sound'Cause you always learned to hold the things you wanna sayYou're always gonna be afraid  There's only hate, there's only tearsThere's only pain, there is no love hereSo what will you do?
There's only lies, there's only fearsThere's only pain, there is no love here
Broken down like a mirror smashed to piecesYou learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smileIf these walls could talk they would have so much to say'Cause every time you fight the scars are gonna healBut they're never gonna go away
You're falling, you're screamingYou're stuck in the same old nightmareHe's lying, you're crying, there's nothing left to salvageKick the door 'cause this is over, get me out of hereKick the door
There's only lies, there's only fearsThere's only pain, there is no love hereTell me what will you do?
There's only hate, there's only tearsThere's only pain, there is no love here

I don’t know if it just me or this is exactly you have been doing all this time. Ignoring me ey?? Is it? Before this, I always wondering  what is MY fault…did I hurt u? physically? emotionally? What I did wrong? I ransacked my brain and even my past memories. Who knows if I DID something wrong TOWARD you. but none!! I found none. And I want to ask u. wht is the problem now?? is it ME or YOU the one that have the problem?!

How long are you going to do it? This stupid idiotic ignoring phase.. are we gonna be like this forever? Or do u still need time to do whatever bullshit you still want to do. I hate it you know. I fucking hate it. Whenever  I laughed for some cracked silly jokes that I heard, I suddenly thought of you. And all moments we had together lingering in my mind. My laugh died just like that!! I feel lost. I hate myself for this sudden feelings. And I hate you more for making me feel it.

At first, I put all the blame on me. I even create some stupid silly reasons so that the fault is always on me. But now?? I can’t think of any. I hate u. You have been acting like a total stupid bitch! I tried, u know.  I even beg for the forgiveness for something that I don’t even know I did. Pushing everything aside, I put myself so low and yet you still with your idiotness in your head. Fucking shit!! I feel like taking a sword and run towards you everytime I thought of this.

If your silent is the way you show you don’t like what I do or how I act in public or anything, then you are the biggest asshole I met in my life. You such a coward person who are so ***** until  you do it this way. You such a goner!!! If I did wrong, you should have confront me! Make me understand. Not making the biggest and silliest puzzle in my life! Damn you!! I hate you sooo much till I can even let out my anger without much difficulty. You are the biggest goner wearing a crown full of idiotness and egoness and shit on top of your silly head that I ever met in my life

Huh, guess I should congratulate you. Well done! You really did manage it. Should I buy the biggest bouquet of flower ever exist in this world for u? thanks  for the tears and your indirectly method of smashing my pride to the lowest level of the earth! 

just some silly story

semalam pi klinik sorang2...well, mcm besa ah. bagi ic kt kaunter pendaftaran bla3x. pastu, si kerani aka penyambut tetamu klinik nih bagi ak no giliran n soh ak dok. kalih je badan...mak aih....byk nya krusi kosong. boleh baring buat katil lgih. hehe. ak amek tmpt plg ujong skali. bak kata tok, mcm tmpt kt ujong dunia ja. punya la ak tggu, sampai nek boring...ak men game dlm fon ak. dr game unblock smpai ke swipe sampai ke angry bird ak men...huhu. ada sorg dua bdak nih main men ngn ak. comel ja depa.. rsa cm nk kidnap bwk blik ja. parents depa pun sporting. :)

akhirnya, nombor ak kna panggil gak. masuk bilik dua. bkak ja pintu....perghhh. awat doktot kat kedah ni hensem gla? haha. mla ah snyum smpi nk koyak pipi. <-- exaggerate jaa. hahaha. okey la kan. berbaloi la ak  mlanggut kat luaq tu macam hapa ja lagih. 

doktot ni tnya la soklan beretika dya...umoq bopa. bljaq kat mana. sakit tang mana. boleh doktot ni ckp ak sakit lutut macam org 91 taun pnya sakit, bkn 19 taun??? cempuk kang. tapi pnya la gabra doktot muda sorg nih, smpai terjatuh dy pnya botol ayaq. gelak sakan lah kami dua. kekeke. 

pastu si doktot tu tnya ak dok kat mana. ak pon cta ah dgn terperinci skali. kot la nk masok meminang. snang sikit nk carik jln, kan...cewah. menggatal ja ak nih. mengegeyh lak. :P doktot tu ckp. awat ak cakap tak sergopa orang kedah? aikk. pnya pelat ak ckp ngn dy, dy ckp tak cukup pelat lagih? nk cocentrated tergha mana lagi doktot oihh. 

part plg klaka bla dy tnya ak abang org mana...ak dgn penuh kenaifan dan ke-innoncent-an nya jwb la orghang kedah. ya lah. tak kan la abg ak org kelate kott... skali doktot tu ckp... " laa. kalo abang oghang kedah gak, kna pekat la ckp kedah tu"... ( -.-") sumpah ak lampy tahap gaban. tahap hawaq pnya gaban. hare` aih doktot nih. ak sikit pnya muda rupa ak nih, hang bleh igt ak da kawin. cempuk sat gi kang.

lpaih tu, mla ah bkak cta psl bla ak kawen n sewaktu ngannya. ak dgn "senang hatinya" bercerita..kalo blh ngn mas kawen pun ak nk cita skalih. aishh. doktot ni lahh.. tapi, salah ak gak. yg dok gatai berinai tu ape kes...dah la siap pakai cincin lagih. suma org akan slh sangka. aishh. ak pon x paham. kat shah alam tak daknya nk bercincin tapi kat kedah ak pkai lak. 24 jam lagih tolak tyme tidoq n nk mandi n amek smayang ja. sbb sentimental value kah?? biaq lah rahsia. ;)

bla ak cta kat mak, mak gelak jah...mak ckp, lpaih nih kna carik kat kak orang kedah je lah. nk bg pekat skit loghat tuh.. haha. aish, mak...cam da calon jah.  tak dak angin tak dak ribut nih. mak da pelan di sebalik langsir ka mak??

lone ranger?

Ever  felt  afraid of what you are doing? Afraid if your choice will only lead you to another one? I have made my choice. And I even make my first step. But as I walk, sometimes I stop to think back again. Did I make the right choice? Am I going to regret it? Can I walk back the path that I once dream about?  

In life, there are many people that you meet.  Some come and go. Some come and leave marks in your life and then left.  Some come to stay in your life. Perhaps as an enemy, companion or yet a lover.  I welcome everyone that comes in my life. For me it’s a new journey that I love to face each time I meet people. Making friends leads me to an adventurous path. The ones that I may or may not come across before.

As much as I love to make new friends, I have a bad habit of letting them free. If they left, I do not  make any step to hold them to me. Why? Maybe because I believe that there is no point on holding on people so dearly when they decided to walk away.  Maybe this is the reasons why I do not want anyone to be close to me. Cause I know that sooner or later, they will walk away.

Knowing that deep in my heart I’m going to miss them dearly for such a period,  I also know that I can permanently delete them from my thoughts once the period is over. Am I selfish? Am I cruel? Well, I’m standing tall and proud saying that yes I am. Though I wish I am not.

 I had encountered these kind of situation before.  Times when people walk away or when I am the one that choose to walk away. Wait?! Why am I the one that walk away sometimes?? Hmm, its because I guess I’m too tired or too hurt to stand by his or her side anymore. The times when it tears me up.  But when I tried to hold on it hurts too much. I tried to forgive but it's just not enough to make it all okay. :(

Sometimes when I am alone - walking alone or sitting alone in the bus or train with mp3 on with volume so high, I thought about this. Am I lonely? Hell yes, I do. I do feel the emptiness in my heart. Sometimes I carve for someone to hear my story. I don’t  mind if that person do not listen. It only matters that he or she is by my side. Sometimes I need a shoulder or a consoling hand to wipe away my tears. I’m tired of running away. Tired of looking away when I am crying. Tired of tearing up a smile when i dont feel like it. Most of all. I am tired of everything.  

weird

have you ever have the same dream over and over again. but  yet you cant get over it?? have you ever woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath but yet when you drifted to sleep again the dream comes again? but the dream is not a sweet dream. its a nightmare! you feel confused, dumbstrucked, or whatever you may called this feeling whenever you wake up. much worse when headache comes along. T.T

okey, now I'm breaking a BIG principle in my life. i decided to talk about my dream - at least one of them. the one that i know i can talk about. hmm, to tell the truth, i've been having this particular dream for a long time already. i cant remember when it first started. but whenever i wake up and drift back to sleep, this dream is not knocking my head anymore for that particular night. 

but last night somehow, it kept knocking in my head many times. i woke up a few times but when i went to sleep again, it appear again. in the dream, i was like in a maze. a big and complicated one. the one like pagar sesat in harry potter and the goblet of fire. i was trying to look for the way out, but each turn i take just bring me deeper and deeper into those scary place. and sometimes, the next second i realize that i am awake and lying in the comfort of my bed. 

it IS weird but i don't know how to get rid of these dreams. i tried many times and many methods before, but since none of it works well, i guess i have to live with it. maybe just maybe it will soon tired of trapping me inside it and let me go. I'll be a happy person if that occur. :)

a mix-match destiny?

my new sem started with a weird incident. someone took my bag! ohmg. so freaking shock. lucky im sane enough to do all the necessary procedure like making aduan, leaving my phone no and even took the driver's number.

it was at 11am, i think, when i got a call from the bus company saying that a guy has mistook my bag. waitt.. A GUY!!!!  haha. so, my friends' predictions are all wrong then. they guessed it was a grandfather(?) or maybe a university girl just like me...hehe

by 12 noon i got hold of the guy's phone number together with his name. called him and try to negotiate about the time and place to return the bag to me. yeah, had to admit, he has a deep voice that sounds just nice and matured.he sounds like a responsible man even though i still mad at him for taking my bag. i also can sense that he do feel sorry for taking my bag and he try so hard to return it.

He also starting a new sem. just like me. :) he is now busy with the registration and things so, we don't have time to meet up yet. i cant force him as he now in a university in gombak. he also has to travel all the way to shah alam, so i dont want to burden him too much as he already willing to return my bag.

do you wanna know something?? when we talk thru phone - couples of times already, i can sense that he speak in northern dialect. but i purposely do not want to speak in same dialect. why? i also dont know. maybe i want to punish him. or maybe i want to tease him. hahaha. my best friend keep teasing me. saying that somehow this guy is my destiny. my Mr Right. He is the one for me..hahha


anyway. i cant wait to see him. to get hold of my bag. but in truth, i really look forward to see him. why? well, maybe i want to thank him. maybe i want to see the owner of the deep voice?  hahaha. well, that is for me to know and for you to find out when i post something about him later - if i DO post.

The born of talented (?) actor

it has been long since my last post. did not have time. yet want to share a LOT of things. hush...now im stealing my afternoon nap to blogging here. hehe.

my classmate said to me, "please share your feelings. don't swallow everything inside you." i know she meant good but it just don't feel that way. i know myself well enough to know that i cant stand tall anymore if i start to tear up. here and there i felt sharp pain in the chest that has nothing to do with the my sickness.  i try to cheer up and push everything aside. try to be strong. try to act strong, at least.

it took me a week to ready myself. one week is never going to be enough but i try to use all the time in it. and it hurt and still am. feel empty and alone. and when i look at him, i told myself i have to be strong for me, for him and for all especially the reason beneath it.

it hurts when people joke about us though they do not know so its not their fault anyway.

it hurts when i do things that i always tell him afterwards but now i have to keep it inside.

it hurts when i unconsiously hold my phone wanting to text him. but i know that i cant.

it hurts when i sick but can not tell him but yet have to be strong.

it hurts when the pain come and i just hold my breath and keep my eyes closed so that the pain will receded as i start to fall asleep slowly.

it hurts when i can't stand to see people looking at me in a way as if im going to explode the next second.

but the most hurt is when i have to avoid to see people straight in the eyes for fear that they may see the pain and hurt in my eyes.

you may say i look fine. like i'm not hurt at all. well, i want you to think that way. but deep inside, i know what i feel. 

I am sorry.

kecewa. sedih. hopeless and helpless.. thanx for giving me the opportunity to feel it anyway.

I gave myself excuses. lots and lots of excuses. maybe you didn't read it. maybe you trying to see it words by words, that's why it took you soo long. maybe you are looking for better words to say it. but the excuses have become excuses already. is this your choice? it hurts but i'll try to accept it. somehow.

Do you realised how i feel now? am i really just someone that pass by your life? someone that does not even deserve a tiny bit of consideration?? am i that bad to you? huh. i wonder how my picture looks like in your eyes. do you know, i bruise my ego for that. for me to type that kind of message was a big miracle already.
for such a long time, i finally extend my hand. i pour myself out and this is the outcome??

beggars cant be picky, rite. So, i'll accept your decisions. I'm sorry. I have been wrong. I have been acting like a royal pain in the ass for such a long time. I don't deserve it anyway. FINE! you can throw me out. out of your sight. out of your mind. better yet, out of your life! it's not the first time in mylife anyway. I'll live on. bruised and bleeding. but it will heal. one day.

what you think???

HAHAHA. if u think i nk cari pasal. u are total wrong! hehe. snanye not ALL boys are stupid. come on lah, i have a lot of boy friends...i mean really friend la. not the tittle bf tuh. hehe.

since kindergarten, i find it easy to be friend with boys than girls. not that im being judgemental or anythg. it just that my siblings are all boys if you minus me. and my fes close friend is a boy oso. but we kinda lost connection. huhu. hr tu da cuba nk jmpe dy but dy x de lak.hmm. x de rezeki nk jmpa gamaknya.

i also find it easy to share secrets with them. why? idk. maybe i have trust towards them. at les i know they care less to talk around behind me. but some girls also not the type that always talk behind. but still...hmm. well, its my secret. its my choice then if i pick to share it with boys. well, when i say share secret with boys, i dont mean all of them. just a few only.

i am not a pengkid. i still have the girl characters within me, physically and mentally. but i just love to hang out with boys. lepak di kedai mamak. belasah and dibelasah with them, legally la bcoz i join martial arts.

being friend with them had thought me a lot of things. i see the world from other perspective. learn that in life, boys and girls are sometimes at equal standard. its not sex that define us, but its our personality.

a friend of mine, a player, but yet kinda gentleman. he knows his limit with both boys and girls but yet loves to tease the limit. some say it will be sweet if i kapel wth him. haha. cm klaka je. they say it based our comments in fb. a player as he is, kdg2 ape yg dy ckp tu terkesan la jgak di hati perempuan ni but i know him well enuf. :)

this guy is a friend since primary school. jmpe blik dlm karate aftr spm. we jd rapat since then till now. we had a unique start. when we exchange our numbers. hehe. i wont forget that day. :D but sometimes rsa awkward being with him coz i know that he has feeling more than a friend. but, i draw a clear line between us and i hope he notice that coz i dont want to hurt him. he is a nice guy indeed.

well. being close with boys do have a pro and con. u need to have a solid and clear motive. if not, u might end up falling to them. im saying this based on my true experience. coz boys can make you think he love you when he doesnt. and that is just soo true in every level.

well...to sum up. i agree boys are stupid. but not all. some girls are stupid too. but we - human learn from mistake. thats how we grow. and mistake is not something that we should be a shame of.

.....

honestly... i had a LOT to say. bout my accident. bout me waking up at 3 am thinking there is burglar in the house. bout me being in uncivilised world for almost a day...and it all happen in 24 hours only...huhu.

but still... i dont have the feeling of typing it all. soo many things that occur and i need to get a firm grip to the earth.

 maybe one day, ill story bout it. just not now. not at this moment. till then.....:)

my day

sleep late. try to busy my life with unnecessary activities. in truth, i actually try to run away from problems and things that occur. this  is my way of showing i'm fine when i'm not. for those who know me well enough will know why i do this, but for those who don't will agree on what i did as they cannot see what lay behind my acts.

hmm. blog has transform to be my diary these days...huhuhu. i need to make it private if i'm going to keep on like this. okey, lets talk bout what had happen that i want to share with someone that i can't anymore. wait.. what if that person reads this?? well. let it be. i have nothing to lose anymore. *sigh*

driving! i cant believe that my parents actually let me drive soo far. even let me drive to my kampung. allow me to fetch my lil bro even it was the busiest road ever in alor star. hehe. even if i am a bit anxious, but it turns out quite well...still, whenever im going to drive, feel like sharing it with someone. when it turns out well, feel like sharing it to someone again. hmm. awkward.

actually, why am i typing these anyway? because I'm so bored. No one to talks to. My best friend is having her exam, cant disturb her for now. oh yeah, almost forget- well actualy i am trying to forget it anyway. it is because i had a little accident just now! my first small car accident!! still freaking out with that. but im fine. :) err, until my parents find out, for now i'm good. hehe.

changes are permanent

Is it true?? well, for me...some are permanent and some are not. well, lets look at this way, when someone or something influence u to do a thing that u never do before or to try to change yourself, u tend to follow it at fes place - willingly or not...but later, when u realise it is not part of u, u will change it again. at that time, its either u change it back to its original state or u transform it to a better one. so, its easy to say, the changes that are not fit to you is not permanent... this is because the power of changing things around you is in your hand.

emm, why am i even talking about this? what came to my mind that triggers me to talk about this? hmmm. let say I've been having a muhasabah session....thinking back on how different i am now from the 'old' me a year ago...

what i can conclude from my once in a blue moon session is ----> no matter how differ i am. i am proud to be who i am now and  who i was a year ago. i cannot thnx enough fr all people around me and the situation i was put in that define me as i am nw. wah, ttbe je rse mcm da jd sorg yg befalsafah..haha.

now i learn that wearing bju kurung, jubah, blouse and skirts is not even half bad. starts to reduce my caffeine intake. even get introduced to existence of colours other than black and white. and most of all, moping is not so renyah after all. hehe.

but, i think the most out of the most changes i get to realise now is how my character has changed here and there. i'm an egoistic person. too ego for a girl, u may say. till now i still am. maybe more ego than before. still hard to open myself up. prefer to pretend that I'm fine when I'm not. love to push myself too hard and try to be strong even if its the last thing i have to do.. partly because of my ego-ness, partly because i don't want to get hurt in the end. because i dont want too depend on people. some say that the wall i kept around me can keep the pain out. but it also restrain the happiness from getting in. err...ok. lets stop talking bout this concrete bricks, ye. :)

i think this is my post fr now. hmm. alang2 skng ni tgh mood bes nk berfalsafah, almost everyday ak post ye...haha. look forward to my next post ye. even if its all merapu jer..

First year anniversary

13 JUNE...tarikh agak keramat nih. hehe. it has been a year. a delightful and yet adventurous year we had together. From nothing, we gain firm and strong bond among each and one of us. Its weird how we came with zero idea about each one of us, but yet we became so close and understanding. well...some of us do have a few problems in their brain frequency set up..hahaha.well that, is a different story to start with.

if i talk about each and one of us, it will be a cliche, isnt it. well, fr nw, i dont want to talk about all of them. i mean not ALL of them....just a few from my very point of view.

lets start with my roommate fes. she's from bidor, perak. ok, sye tak tau knpe, but sye rse mcm we did not start very well. n if i boleh change back time, i nk ubah our fes meeting kt bwh bridge tuh. hehe. sye tak rapat sgt ngn dye. but i always hope that i am. it wuld be soo great if i rapat ngn dye. come on la. we have a lot of persamaan here and there. we can if we try. tp, ntah lah....still wondering.

my housemate. a girl from kuala terengganu. she very nice. my friend for evil and good time. hahaha. she is fine when i ajak dye kua mkn tgh2 mlm..emm, maybe until 11pm lah. x pnah lak ajak aftr 12am. hehehe. she is a good listener, a good adviser. almost all my deep secrets, she know already. a good secret keeper, then.  :) to be sum up, she is my best friend here.

next, about an Indian girl that i easily become fond to with. i love to talk sarcasm with her. guess that is how i show how i like her.and i care bout her. she has a unique and a too positive mind which it can be seen by the way she talks and live.  ok, i cant talk bad bout her, coz she may read this.. =P hehehe

there is also one girl that manage to irritate me soo much but i can brush it off so easily after that. maybe because i pity her. but some say that your true friend is the one that will manage to irritate u but yet u wont feel hurt. is this the rezen (?) well, lets just wait and see.

hmm. there is three more ppl in my house that i didnt talk about yet.well....so far, they are a very bookworm person. help me a lot whenever i need a hand. we didnt so rapat. but that is not because we gaduh or anythg, its because we didnt spend soo much time together as they were busy studying in their own lattice. hehehe.

ok, enuf with my housemate. need to talk about the girls downstairs also...hehe. well. they are 6 of them. each with own unique character. the one that i easy friend with is the one that i hardly find the persamaan between us. weird rite. maybe thats y i get close to her.

3 girls from johor. one from batu pahat, one from kluang and one from labis. hmm. the one from labis, she very tegas. tetap pendirian. a good advicer. she tak rsa malu utk mintx maaf if she salah. one of her good qualities tht i found in her.  the one from kluang, she is a good driver. great one, actually. very tall. tallest girl in the batch. the one from labis, she is so manja2 pnye type. i usually will buat tak tahu jer with ppl like her. but i cant. i rse mcm ade sense utk protect her sbb she can be so mnje n innocent at same time.

one girl from kuala terengganu also. same school with my housemate. hahaha. hmm. fr me. whenever i think about flight, i think of her. get it? haha. x pe lah. let me be the one yg pham. =D the last but not least, from kelantan. she have same phone like me!! wohoo.. a copycat! haha. x de lah. biasa je. she is sooo semangat kenegerian. never see someone like her before. well, there is always first time.

okey....had to admit. it will take ages fr me to talk bout them, each have their own interesting character that i will be more than happy to talk about.it is a difficult task fr me to sum up everythg bout them in a few words only...hehe. but still, i think i have done a good job already. *bangga jp*

Girls, here is a secret from me to all of u... *toleh kanan n toleh kiri* i love you. *whisper*

We are changing for the greater good. Just give us some time.

It takes times. But its okay. slow is great. i can manage it. :)

#Random saying#

It takes only one minute to have a crush on someone. An hour to like someone, and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone. It’s hard for me to forget you.

The reasons people hold on to memories so tight is because the memories are the only things that doesn’t change when everything else does. I’ll always hold on to our memories

Never take too much care on someone because you won’t be able to stand the pain when they start avoiding you.  I’m having this pain right now because I care too much for you.

 You can close your eyes to the things that you do not want to see. But you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.  My heart ache for you even if I act like it didn’t.

It’s hard to move on especially when you can’t look at anyone else without that one guy in your heart. *sigh*

When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut. It can be healed but it always be a scar. It will remain as a deep scar in my heart.

There’s always that one special person that no matter what they have done to you, you still…just don’t let them go. The reasons why I hold to you so tight.

Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. It means you have been too strong for too long. Yeah, I’m a strong girl. *grin*

No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends. Thanks to all my friends. I love you so much.

Sometimes, I just wish that there is somebody to hug me and say; ‘everything is going to be alright.’ And I wish it is you. But I know it will remains as a wish only.

Sometimes, even when you have a good reason to hold on, you have to realize that it’d much better if you let go.  It hurts and I cried soo much even when I know and realized it was meant for good.

If only Im brave enough to tell you this!!

That very morning, I wake up with a lousy feelings. Had nightmares.  Again! I begin to feel like the nightmares had a reason behind it. *sigh*  With a mixed feeling, I lay soo low the whole morning. But when the feeling become so sickening, I just thought about you. Yes you! Maybe I could share with you.  Just maybe...you could came out with your ideas and advices..I took my phone and decided to  text you. But you didn’t reply.I waited n waited n waited.  Its too overwhelming till I turn back and cry. I was scared. I feel alone. Isolated. I don’t know why but I feel like I cannot trust anyone at all.

Hours later, u txt me back. But I was so tired. Damn tired. Guess i cried too much. I just read the txt and threw the phone away. Still, I remained in my bed. Then you called me. I wanted to answer it. but im scared. I afraid if you realized that Im not ok. You may realize that I sound like I just cried. I don’t want to look weak n vulnerable.

Suddenly my friend came n told me that you text her…asking about my whereabouts n my condition. Im shocked. But I just smiled and said that im fine and ill be texting you later. But it took me quite a long time to calm myself.  To feel like myself once again.

Awak, I've been having a bad dream. Terrible ones. The ones that make me woke up trembling or with tears on my cheeks and breathing so fast till it hurt.  Im sorry. But Im not the type that talked about nightmare. I had some belief -which kinda weird- I just dont talk about nightmares. Its not what i talk about. Especially the dream is what im scared the most. Im always happy when i didnt dream anything at all. which is so rare these days.. T.T

I used to tell you that I cant sleep for days. I will eventually woke up in the middle of the night. or end up feeling like sh*t in the morning. I asked you to accompany me, right. everynight, text me till i fall asleep. i know i was being annoyingly girlish - whatever you may called this. but Im scared. Id rather being called like that than not having enough sleep at all. 

But i guess im not telling you about this. may be one day, on one fine day,  you will know why. you wont accuse me of being a liar. hmm. its too hard to bear it alone. But its even more painful to share when i know ppl will left one day...i had a problem with trust and i will always will...

P/s: date ni tak btol snanye...i wrote bout this after i was accuse to be a liar. tp bru post...lgpun. bkn nye ade sespe yg nk bce my post kan. so, i had nothg to lose....... :')

Album gambar keluarga

Bila sudah boring2, sye mula la gatal tangan...tarik album lma2. selak one by one pic yg ade. hati da mula sedih dah...air mata dah mula mengalir. knpe ye? knpe sye rse fmly sye mcm ade smthg is not right.we are closed but yet so far. we barely had pictures together with all the members in it. 

Jemariku terus menyelak album keluarga. Ade satu gambar yg brjye buat sye menangis. gmbr family masa sye masih kecil...ermm, maybe 4 atau 5 tahun kot mse tu. dlm gmbr tu, ade atok, nenek, mak, abah, pk ngah n mk ngah,pk su, my abg, my cousin n anak angkat nenek.

the only person yg sye sgt2 rindukan is my atok. sye tak rapat pun dengan atok. sye tak ingat bila kali terakhir sye peluk atok. sbb setiap kali sye ade dekat dengan atok, hati sye sakit sangat. hati sya terluka. atok, knapa atok layan sye macam ni atok? knpe atok keluarkan kata2 yg sangat menyakitkan hati pd saya atok? besar sangat ke salah saya atok? saya tahu sy bukannya cucu kesayangan atok, tapi jgn layan sye macam saya ni a piece of junk yg tak layak nk pijak rmh atok...

sye masih kecil lagi, atok. baru 6 atau 7 tahun masa tu. knpe atok pnggil sye dengan gelaran tu. sye mungkin tak paham ape yg atuk maksudkn mse tu, tp sye tak akn lupekan ape yg atok ckp pde sye. smpai ble2 pun! benci sgt ke atok pd sye? jika ya, knpe atok? sye ade buat salah besar mana atok? teruk sgt ke kesalahan tu smpi skrg kta tak boleh nak rapat?

Atok, sye tak nak atok mrh2 dkt sye. Sye tau atok x ske sye, sbb tu sye sntiasa elak dr berada di tmpt yg sme ngn atok kalo ade sye dgn atok je. Atok perasan tak, kalo atok ade kat dapur, sye tak kan pergi dapur kecuali kalo ade mak temankan. Sye takut sgt dgn atok. ye, sye takot dgn atok. Sye sentiasa terigt "kata-kata manis" yg atok ucapkan ble atok marah dkt sye waktu sye kecik dlu... Sye tak akan lpekan, atok..

Kwn sye ade ckp, maafkan la atok kau tu. Org tgh mrh, biasa la tu...hmmm, mgkn betul ape yg kwn sye ckp, atok. Tp, sye manusia biasa, atok. Sye boleh maafkan atok. Boleh! Sye tak pnah marah dkt atok. Tp sye takkan lpekan ape yg dh jadi atok. bohonglah kalo sye ckp sye tak terasa. bohonglah kalo sye ckp sye tak terkilan. 

 Atok, cucu yg atok pernah hina ni  dulu tak pernah buat malu kat atok. cucu yg atuk pnah beri "kata-kata manis" ni tak pernah mintak ape2 atas ape yg diperoleh. cucu yg sorg ni tak pnah mintak pujian dr atok. ape yg cucu ini inginkan cuma atok. Sye nak atok kenal sye. Sye nak satu hari nanti, atok dgn bngganye boleh tunding jari dkt sye n ckp "inilah cucuku yg aku banggakan"

Agak2 ble mase tu akan dtg ye, atok? hmm....sye sgt nantikan saat itu atok. sgt3.

To someone special to me

dah lme tak bka blog. bukan apa, tak smpat. n tak tau nk post apa pun. hikhik. ape lah ak nih. :D emmm... tetiba hari ni ak trigat kat dia.. let called him Mr Z. sye ngn dia dlu rapat. rapat sgt. semua bnda ak buat, dy akan tau. apa sja yg ak pikiaq pun, ak msti habaq kat dy. kiranya sye mmg story semua kt dy je lah. smpi semua ingat sye kapel ngn dy. hahaha

:'( tp nw..km x ckp pun. langsung tak. almost 6 months km cam ni. sbb apa? ak pun x tau. antara kami ada sumthing left undone and unsaid.....n i cant pinpoint it to wht it was about.  hmm. sye harap sgt km rapat blik. even tak boleh nk serapat dlu, at least bg lah km dpt brckp to each other like normal again. sye rindu awk sgt3..

Mr Z, sye rindu awk tau tak? Sye sygkn awk. knpe kte dua jadi mcm ni? Ape dah jadi? Knpe awk makin mendingin?

Apa jadi hari tu? Apa yg brlaku smpi awak buat mcm ni? Sye x tau weh. Sye mmg tak tau. Plz terang kat sy. Bg sye paham. Sye pnat buat2 paham n its killing me. many things happen that make me hurt. Tp sye diam ja. Tau x, sye defend awak hr tu. Bla diorang ckp awk buat cerita, sye defend awk sbb sye prcaya kat awk. Bla sye dpt tau mmg btol awk buat, sye sedih sgt. Im crying inside. tp sye x nk judge pa pe. sbb sye syg awk. sye pun syg dia, Ms A.

sye ada tnya awk npa awk buat cm ni kan? igt tak sye pnah mcj awk? igt tak sye ckp yg sye sntiasa prcya kat awk. u r my secret box. forever and ever. tp reply awk sgt menyakitkan hati sye...awk ckp kat sye, no, awk pesan kt sye utk jgn prcyakan awk sgt. what?! wait..ape dah jadi ni?? knpe awk buat macam ni? ape yg dah berlaku awk? tlg lah, rungkaikan simpulan yg ade ni, awk..

sye sgt harap kte akan baik semula. it feels awkward, awk. we are going to be together fr the next 5 years. smpi kte dpt MBBS. x kan la nk biarkn bnde ni berselirat. boleh tak kita jadi kawan semula? awak, will u be my friend again? will u?

SeKadaR ReNunGan

Apakah yang harus kita lakukan apabila ditimpa masalah atau musibah ? Apakah dengan merasa sedih, keluh kesah dan membinasakan diri sendiri dapat menyelesaikan sesuatu perkara. Jawapannya adalah dengan kembali kepada Allah.Ketahuilah dengan mengingati Allah hati akan menjadi tenang.Firman Allah SWT :

"Tiada sesuatu musibah yang menimpa seseorang kecuali dengan izinNya.. Dan barangsiapa yg beriman kepada Allah nescaya Allah akan memberi petunjuk kepada hatinya..."( At-Taghabun:11).


Kita seharusnya redha dengan apa yang berlaku kerana ia merupakan qada dan qadar daripada Allah. Seharusnya seseorang yang beriman tidak boleh mengatakan Allah itu tidak adil semata-mata kerana musibah yang menimpa dirinya begitu pedih untuk ditanggung. Kita tidak berhak untuk memilih dugaan atau musibah itu sesuai dengan kehendak kita.


Ini kerana Allah Maha Mengetahui atas tiap-tiap sesuatu. Allah berfirman di dalam surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216 yg bermaksud:.


"...Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi(pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu. Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.".


Apabila Allah menimpakan musibah kepada kita, itu sebenarnya tanda Allah kasih kepada kita. Ia juga merupakan suatu ujian penilaian keimanan diri, sejauh mana kita benar-benar beriman atau keimanan kita begitu nipis sehingga hanya dengan sedikit dugaan, hati kita berubah.Cuba renungkan firman Allah ini:


"Dan, sungguh akan kami berikan cubaan kepadamu, dengan sedikit ketakutan, kelaparan, kekurangan harta, jiwa dan buah-buahan. Dan berikanlah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yang sabar." (Al-Baqarah:155).


Setiap manusia mempunyai titik tolak dalam kehidupannya. Maka apabila ditimpa musibah eloklah kita iktikadkan dalam hati, bahawa inilah titik permulaan dalam hidup kita. Barangkali musibah yang melanda merupakan suatu isyarat daripada Allah untuk kita bermuhasabah diri bagi membuat perubahan. Ringkasnya apa yang telah berlaku itu mempunyai hikmah yang harus di nilai. Kita harus memperbanyakkan beristighfar, membaca selalu innalillahhiwainnailaihirajiuun dan sebagainya.


Disamping itu, jadikan Alquran, sebagai teman. Berdoalah kepada Allah untuk memohon bantuan, dan diberikan keringanan dalam urusan. Firman Allah dalam surah Al-Mukmin ayat 60 yg bermaksud:


"Berdoalah kamu kepadaKu, nescaya akan aku perkenankan bagimu".


Bagi mengelakkan kita dari terus mengingati situasi sedih yang dihadapi maka kita hendaklah melakukan pelbagai aktiviti yang bermanfaat seperti melibatkan diri dengan aktiviti masyarakat, menghadiri ceramah, mengunjungi saudara mara dan sebagainya. Seterusnya kita hendaklah bertawakkal kepada Allah setiap masa dalam apa jua keadaan.Firman Allah dlm surah Al-Maidah ayat 23:


"...dan hanya kepada Allah lah hendaknya kamu bertawakkal jika kamu benar-benar beriman".


Jangan lupa mengadu kepada Allah sekiranya hidup seringkali ditimpa kegelisahan dan kesempitan. Maka ucaplah Hasbunallah Wanikmal Wakil yang bermaksud :, Cukuplah Allah menjadi penolong kami dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik pelindung.


"Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang bersabarlah sahaja yang akan disempurnakan pahala mereka dengan tidak terkira.".(Az-Zumar:10).


Sebagai kesimpulannya, tiada masalah tanpa penyelesaiannya. Kita harus mengkaji dan meneliti, sebagaimana setiap penyakit mempunyai penawarnya. Anggaplah musibah itu sebagai tiket untuk mendekati Allah dan sebagai jalan menuju bahagia. Ingatlah janji Allah di dalam surah Al-Insyirah bahawa sesudah kesulitan ada kemudahan.


#this is just a CnP...credit to the owner n writer#