The born of talented (?) actor

it has been long since my last post. did not have time. yet want to share a LOT of things. hush...now im stealing my afternoon nap to blogging here. hehe.

my classmate said to me, "please share your feelings. don't swallow everything inside you." i know she meant good but it just don't feel that way. i know myself well enough to know that i cant stand tall anymore if i start to tear up. here and there i felt sharp pain in the chest that has nothing to do with the my sickness.  i try to cheer up and push everything aside. try to be strong. try to act strong, at least.

it took me a week to ready myself. one week is never going to be enough but i try to use all the time in it. and it hurt and still am. feel empty and alone. and when i look at him, i told myself i have to be strong for me, for him and for all especially the reason beneath it.

it hurts when people joke about us though they do not know so its not their fault anyway.

it hurts when i do things that i always tell him afterwards but now i have to keep it inside.

it hurts when i unconsiously hold my phone wanting to text him. but i know that i cant.

it hurts when i sick but can not tell him but yet have to be strong.

it hurts when the pain come and i just hold my breath and keep my eyes closed so that the pain will receded as i start to fall asleep slowly.

it hurts when i can't stand to see people looking at me in a way as if im going to explode the next second.

but the most hurt is when i have to avoid to see people straight in the eyes for fear that they may see the pain and hurt in my eyes.

you may say i look fine. like i'm not hurt at all. well, i want you to think that way. but deep inside, i know what i feel. 

If only Im brave enough to tell you this!!

That very morning, I wake up with a lousy feelings. Had nightmares.  Again! I begin to feel like the nightmares had a reason behind it. *sigh*  With a mixed feeling, I lay soo low the whole morning. But when the feeling become so sickening, I just thought about you. Yes you! Maybe I could share with you.  Just maybe...you could came out with your ideas and advices..I took my phone and decided to  text you. But you didn’t reply.I waited n waited n waited.  Its too overwhelming till I turn back and cry. I was scared. I feel alone. Isolated. I don’t know why but I feel like I cannot trust anyone at all.

Hours later, u txt me back. But I was so tired. Damn tired. Guess i cried too much. I just read the txt and threw the phone away. Still, I remained in my bed. Then you called me. I wanted to answer it. but im scared. I afraid if you realized that Im not ok. You may realize that I sound like I just cried. I don’t want to look weak n vulnerable.

Suddenly my friend came n told me that you text her…asking about my whereabouts n my condition. Im shocked. But I just smiled and said that im fine and ill be texting you later. But it took me quite a long time to calm myself.  To feel like myself once again.

Awak, I've been having a bad dream. Terrible ones. The ones that make me woke up trembling or with tears on my cheeks and breathing so fast till it hurt.  Im sorry. But Im not the type that talked about nightmare. I had some belief -which kinda weird- I just dont talk about nightmares. Its not what i talk about. Especially the dream is what im scared the most. Im always happy when i didnt dream anything at all. which is so rare these days.. T.T

I used to tell you that I cant sleep for days. I will eventually woke up in the middle of the night. or end up feeling like sh*t in the morning. I asked you to accompany me, right. everynight, text me till i fall asleep. i know i was being annoyingly girlish - whatever you may called this. but Im scared. Id rather being called like that than not having enough sleep at all. 

But i guess im not telling you about this. may be one day, on one fine day,  you will know why. you wont accuse me of being a liar. hmm. its too hard to bear it alone. But its even more painful to share when i know ppl will left one day...i had a problem with trust and i will always will...

P/s: date ni tak btol snanye...i wrote bout this after i was accuse to be a liar. tp bru post...lgpun. bkn nye ade sespe yg nk bce my post kan. so, i had nothg to lose....... :')

Album gambar keluarga

Bila sudah boring2, sye mula la gatal tangan...tarik album lma2. selak one by one pic yg ade. hati da mula sedih dah...air mata dah mula mengalir. knpe ye? knpe sye rse fmly sye mcm ade smthg is not right.we are closed but yet so far. we barely had pictures together with all the members in it. 

Jemariku terus menyelak album keluarga. Ade satu gambar yg brjye buat sye menangis. gmbr family masa sye masih kecil...ermm, maybe 4 atau 5 tahun kot mse tu. dlm gmbr tu, ade atok, nenek, mak, abah, pk ngah n mk ngah,pk su, my abg, my cousin n anak angkat nenek.

the only person yg sye sgt2 rindukan is my atok. sye tak rapat pun dengan atok. sye tak ingat bila kali terakhir sye peluk atok. sbb setiap kali sye ade dekat dengan atok, hati sye sakit sangat. hati sya terluka. atok, knapa atok layan sye macam ni atok? knpe atok keluarkan kata2 yg sangat menyakitkan hati pd saya atok? besar sangat ke salah saya atok? saya tahu sy bukannya cucu kesayangan atok, tapi jgn layan sye macam saya ni a piece of junk yg tak layak nk pijak rmh atok...

sye masih kecil lagi, atok. baru 6 atau 7 tahun masa tu. knpe atok pnggil sye dengan gelaran tu. sye mungkin tak paham ape yg atuk maksudkn mse tu, tp sye tak akn lupekan ape yg atok ckp pde sye. smpai ble2 pun! benci sgt ke atok pd sye? jika ya, knpe atok? sye ade buat salah besar mana atok? teruk sgt ke kesalahan tu smpi skrg kta tak boleh nak rapat?

Atok, sye tak nak atok mrh2 dkt sye. Sye tau atok x ske sye, sbb tu sye sntiasa elak dr berada di tmpt yg sme ngn atok kalo ade sye dgn atok je. Atok perasan tak, kalo atok ade kat dapur, sye tak kan pergi dapur kecuali kalo ade mak temankan. Sye takut sgt dgn atok. ye, sye takot dgn atok. Sye sentiasa terigt "kata-kata manis" yg atok ucapkan ble atok marah dkt sye waktu sye kecik dlu... Sye tak akan lpekan, atok..

Kwn sye ade ckp, maafkan la atok kau tu. Org tgh mrh, biasa la tu...hmmm, mgkn betul ape yg kwn sye ckp, atok. Tp, sye manusia biasa, atok. Sye boleh maafkan atok. Boleh! Sye tak pnah marah dkt atok. Tp sye takkan lpekan ape yg dh jadi atok. bohonglah kalo sye ckp sye tak terasa. bohonglah kalo sye ckp sye tak terkilan. 

 Atok, cucu yg atok pernah hina ni  dulu tak pernah buat malu kat atok. cucu yg atuk pnah beri "kata-kata manis" ni tak pernah mintak ape2 atas ape yg diperoleh. cucu yg sorg ni tak pnah mintak pujian dr atok. ape yg cucu ini inginkan cuma atok. Sye nak atok kenal sye. Sye nak satu hari nanti, atok dgn bngganye boleh tunding jari dkt sye n ckp "inilah cucuku yg aku banggakan"

Agak2 ble mase tu akan dtg ye, atok? hmm....sye sgt nantikan saat itu atok. sgt3.

To someone special to me

dah lme tak bka blog. bukan apa, tak smpat. n tak tau nk post apa pun. hikhik. ape lah ak nih. :D emmm... tetiba hari ni ak trigat kat dia.. let called him Mr Z. sye ngn dia dlu rapat. rapat sgt. semua bnda ak buat, dy akan tau. apa sja yg ak pikiaq pun, ak msti habaq kat dy. kiranya sye mmg story semua kt dy je lah. smpi semua ingat sye kapel ngn dy. hahaha

:'( tp nw..km x ckp pun. langsung tak. almost 6 months km cam ni. sbb apa? ak pun x tau. antara kami ada sumthing left undone and unsaid.....n i cant pinpoint it to wht it was about.  hmm. sye harap sgt km rapat blik. even tak boleh nk serapat dlu, at least bg lah km dpt brckp to each other like normal again. sye rindu awk sgt3..

Mr Z, sye rindu awk tau tak? Sye sygkn awk. knpe kte dua jadi mcm ni? Ape dah jadi? Knpe awk makin mendingin?

Apa jadi hari tu? Apa yg brlaku smpi awak buat mcm ni? Sye x tau weh. Sye mmg tak tau. Plz terang kat sy. Bg sye paham. Sye pnat buat2 paham n its killing me. many things happen that make me hurt. Tp sye diam ja. Tau x, sye defend awak hr tu. Bla diorang ckp awk buat cerita, sye defend awk sbb sye prcaya kat awk. Bla sye dpt tau mmg btol awk buat, sye sedih sgt. Im crying inside. tp sye x nk judge pa pe. sbb sye syg awk. sye pun syg dia, Ms A.

sye ada tnya awk npa awk buat cm ni kan? igt tak sye pnah mcj awk? igt tak sye ckp yg sye sntiasa prcya kat awk. u r my secret box. forever and ever. tp reply awk sgt menyakitkan hati sye...awk ckp kat sye, no, awk pesan kt sye utk jgn prcyakan awk sgt. what?! wait..ape dah jadi ni?? knpe awk buat macam ni? ape yg dah berlaku awk? tlg lah, rungkaikan simpulan yg ade ni, awk..

sye sgt harap kte akan baik semula. it feels awkward, awk. we are going to be together fr the next 5 years. smpi kte dpt MBBS. x kan la nk biarkn bnde ni berselirat. boleh tak kita jadi kawan semula? awak, will u be my friend again? will u?