to tell or not to tell

Some may say im asking the stupidest question. some will say Im asking something that is obvious. but let me assure you that it wont bug me this worse if not because i think its just some holy shit of crap. seriesly!

I am not from a split family. HELL NO!! It just that we are not that close. and yes, i try. I DID try to work things out. but i guess, when you wore your ego as a crown on top of your head, it wont help that much. it just make things twice or maybe a dozen more difficult.

it hurts when your friends can have a phone calls from your family at least once a day or more when you had none. its painful when you hold up phone to call them, and your first thought are "are they busy?" or " am i going to disturb them?" or "can i call them now? or later?"

it eyes watering when i listen to someone's conversation with their beloved family. i can hear them talking bout random things like the food they ate just now. the activities they do in the evening. or even the topics they study at class today. sometimes when the people next to me got a call from his or her family, i'll just turn my back and flee.

its a heart-stabbing experience when people points out to you that you aren't close to your parents. or when people said that the way i talk to my elder brother like he is a same-aged friend. like i have no respect for him as my abang. or was it twice hurt when the one who said it was from the one that IS important to me? im clueless now.

Like i used to say before this, beggars cant be picky. well, i AM a begger right now. Im begging for our reunion again. and im trying my best outfit to make things right. i try to keep a steady step but yet its too slow. sometimes i doubt myself. can i make it? do i have the capability? if i do, how am i going to do it?

my tremor was the worst thing that ever happen to my life. but out of it, it bind us together. i once thought that I'm over it already. i even stop myself from those medications. well, i don't want to be dependent on meds at age of 19. but somehow, it strikes back. harder this time. to make thing worse, i find myself more vulnerable than before. one small push and ill be kneeling with despair. (P/s: Im keeping this secret from most of ppl esp my family. i mean about it become worst part thingy things)

sometimes, i thought that there is no point of hiding when people notice my pale face. yess i am pale. coz im tired and i dont feel so well.and sometimes i stuck up my brain with lots of things till it become too disorder. huh. puas hati?! finally i admit it out loud!