lone ranger?

Ever  felt  afraid of what you are doing? Afraid if your choice will only lead you to another one? I have made my choice. And I even make my first step. But as I walk, sometimes I stop to think back again. Did I make the right choice? Am I going to regret it? Can I walk back the path that I once dream about?  

In life, there are many people that you meet.  Some come and go. Some come and leave marks in your life and then left.  Some come to stay in your life. Perhaps as an enemy, companion or yet a lover.  I welcome everyone that comes in my life. For me it’s a new journey that I love to face each time I meet people. Making friends leads me to an adventurous path. The ones that I may or may not come across before.

As much as I love to make new friends, I have a bad habit of letting them free. If they left, I do not  make any step to hold them to me. Why? Maybe because I believe that there is no point on holding on people so dearly when they decided to walk away.  Maybe this is the reasons why I do not want anyone to be close to me. Cause I know that sooner or later, they will walk away.

Knowing that deep in my heart I’m going to miss them dearly for such a period,  I also know that I can permanently delete them from my thoughts once the period is over. Am I selfish? Am I cruel? Well, I’m standing tall and proud saying that yes I am. Though I wish I am not.

 I had encountered these kind of situation before.  Times when people walk away or when I am the one that choose to walk away. Wait?! Why am I the one that walk away sometimes?? Hmm, its because I guess I’m too tired or too hurt to stand by his or her side anymore. The times when it tears me up.  But when I tried to hold on it hurts too much. I tried to forgive but it's just not enough to make it all okay. :(

Sometimes when I am alone - walking alone or sitting alone in the bus or train with mp3 on with volume so high, I thought about this. Am I lonely? Hell yes, I do. I do feel the emptiness in my heart. Sometimes I carve for someone to hear my story. I don’t  mind if that person do not listen. It only matters that he or she is by my side. Sometimes I need a shoulder or a consoling hand to wipe away my tears. I’m tired of running away. Tired of looking away when I am crying. Tired of tearing up a smile when i dont feel like it. Most of all. I am tired of everything.