weird

have you ever have the same dream over and over again. but  yet you cant get over it?? have you ever woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath but yet when you drifted to sleep again the dream comes again? but the dream is not a sweet dream. its a nightmare! you feel confused, dumbstrucked, or whatever you may called this feeling whenever you wake up. much worse when headache comes along. T.T

okey, now I'm breaking a BIG principle in my life. i decided to talk about my dream - at least one of them. the one that i know i can talk about. hmm, to tell the truth, i've been having this particular dream for a long time already. i cant remember when it first started. but whenever i wake up and drift back to sleep, this dream is not knocking my head anymore for that particular night. 

but last night somehow, it kept knocking in my head many times. i woke up a few times but when i went to sleep again, it appear again. in the dream, i was like in a maze. a big and complicated one. the one like pagar sesat in harry potter and the goblet of fire. i was trying to look for the way out, but each turn i take just bring me deeper and deeper into those scary place. and sometimes, the next second i realize that i am awake and lying in the comfort of my bed. 

it IS weird but i don't know how to get rid of these dreams. i tried many times and many methods before, but since none of it works well, i guess i have to live with it. maybe just maybe it will soon tired of trapping me inside it and let me go. I'll be a happy person if that occur. :)

a mix-match destiny?

my new sem started with a weird incident. someone took my bag! ohmg. so freaking shock. lucky im sane enough to do all the necessary procedure like making aduan, leaving my phone no and even took the driver's number.

it was at 11am, i think, when i got a call from the bus company saying that a guy has mistook my bag. waitt.. A GUY!!!!  haha. so, my friends' predictions are all wrong then. they guessed it was a grandfather(?) or maybe a university girl just like me...hehe

by 12 noon i got hold of the guy's phone number together with his name. called him and try to negotiate about the time and place to return the bag to me. yeah, had to admit, he has a deep voice that sounds just nice and matured.he sounds like a responsible man even though i still mad at him for taking my bag. i also can sense that he do feel sorry for taking my bag and he try so hard to return it.

He also starting a new sem. just like me. :) he is now busy with the registration and things so, we don't have time to meet up yet. i cant force him as he now in a university in gombak. he also has to travel all the way to shah alam, so i dont want to burden him too much as he already willing to return my bag.

do you wanna know something?? when we talk thru phone - couples of times already, i can sense that he speak in northern dialect. but i purposely do not want to speak in same dialect. why? i also dont know. maybe i want to punish him. or maybe i want to tease him. hahaha. my best friend keep teasing me. saying that somehow this guy is my destiny. my Mr Right. He is the one for me..hahha


anyway. i cant wait to see him. to get hold of my bag. but in truth, i really look forward to see him. why? well, maybe i want to thank him. maybe i want to see the owner of the deep voice?  hahaha. well, that is for me to know and for you to find out when i post something about him later - if i DO post.

The born of talented (?) actor

it has been long since my last post. did not have time. yet want to share a LOT of things. hush...now im stealing my afternoon nap to blogging here. hehe.

my classmate said to me, "please share your feelings. don't swallow everything inside you." i know she meant good but it just don't feel that way. i know myself well enough to know that i cant stand tall anymore if i start to tear up. here and there i felt sharp pain in the chest that has nothing to do with the my sickness.  i try to cheer up and push everything aside. try to be strong. try to act strong, at least.

it took me a week to ready myself. one week is never going to be enough but i try to use all the time in it. and it hurt and still am. feel empty and alone. and when i look at him, i told myself i have to be strong for me, for him and for all especially the reason beneath it.

it hurts when people joke about us though they do not know so its not their fault anyway.

it hurts when i do things that i always tell him afterwards but now i have to keep it inside.

it hurts when i unconsiously hold my phone wanting to text him. but i know that i cant.

it hurts when i sick but can not tell him but yet have to be strong.

it hurts when the pain come and i just hold my breath and keep my eyes closed so that the pain will receded as i start to fall asleep slowly.

it hurts when i can't stand to see people looking at me in a way as if im going to explode the next second.

but the most hurt is when i have to avoid to see people straight in the eyes for fear that they may see the pain and hurt in my eyes.

you may say i look fine. like i'm not hurt at all. well, i want you to think that way. but deep inside, i know what i feel. 

I am sorry.

kecewa. sedih. hopeless and helpless.. thanx for giving me the opportunity to feel it anyway.

I gave myself excuses. lots and lots of excuses. maybe you didn't read it. maybe you trying to see it words by words, that's why it took you soo long. maybe you are looking for better words to say it. but the excuses have become excuses already. is this your choice? it hurts but i'll try to accept it. somehow.

Do you realised how i feel now? am i really just someone that pass by your life? someone that does not even deserve a tiny bit of consideration?? am i that bad to you? huh. i wonder how my picture looks like in your eyes. do you know, i bruise my ego for that. for me to type that kind of message was a big miracle already.
for such a long time, i finally extend my hand. i pour myself out and this is the outcome??

beggars cant be picky, rite. So, i'll accept your decisions. I'm sorry. I have been wrong. I have been acting like a royal pain in the ass for such a long time. I don't deserve it anyway. FINE! you can throw me out. out of your sight. out of your mind. better yet, out of your life! it's not the first time in mylife anyway. I'll live on. bruised and bleeding. but it will heal. one day.

what you think???

HAHAHA. if u think i nk cari pasal. u are total wrong! hehe. snanye not ALL boys are stupid. come on lah, i have a lot of boy friends...i mean really friend la. not the tittle bf tuh. hehe.

since kindergarten, i find it easy to be friend with boys than girls. not that im being judgemental or anythg. it just that my siblings are all boys if you minus me. and my fes close friend is a boy oso. but we kinda lost connection. huhu. hr tu da cuba nk jmpe dy but dy x de lak.hmm. x de rezeki nk jmpa gamaknya.

i also find it easy to share secrets with them. why? idk. maybe i have trust towards them. at les i know they care less to talk around behind me. but some girls also not the type that always talk behind. but still...hmm. well, its my secret. its my choice then if i pick to share it with boys. well, when i say share secret with boys, i dont mean all of them. just a few only.

i am not a pengkid. i still have the girl characters within me, physically and mentally. but i just love to hang out with boys. lepak di kedai mamak. belasah and dibelasah with them, legally la bcoz i join martial arts.

being friend with them had thought me a lot of things. i see the world from other perspective. learn that in life, boys and girls are sometimes at equal standard. its not sex that define us, but its our personality.

a friend of mine, a player, but yet kinda gentleman. he knows his limit with both boys and girls but yet loves to tease the limit. some say it will be sweet if i kapel wth him. haha. cm klaka je. they say it based our comments in fb. a player as he is, kdg2 ape yg dy ckp tu terkesan la jgak di hati perempuan ni but i know him well enuf. :)

this guy is a friend since primary school. jmpe blik dlm karate aftr spm. we jd rapat since then till now. we had a unique start. when we exchange our numbers. hehe. i wont forget that day. :D but sometimes rsa awkward being with him coz i know that he has feeling more than a friend. but, i draw a clear line between us and i hope he notice that coz i dont want to hurt him. he is a nice guy indeed.

well. being close with boys do have a pro and con. u need to have a solid and clear motive. if not, u might end up falling to them. im saying this based on my true experience. coz boys can make you think he love you when he doesnt. and that is just soo true in every level.

well...to sum up. i agree boys are stupid. but not all. some girls are stupid too. but we - human learn from mistake. thats how we grow. and mistake is not something that we should be a shame of.

.....

honestly... i had a LOT to say. bout my accident. bout me waking up at 3 am thinking there is burglar in the house. bout me being in uncivilised world for almost a day...and it all happen in 24 hours only...huhu.

but still... i dont have the feeling of typing it all. soo many things that occur and i need to get a firm grip to the earth.

 maybe one day, ill story bout it. just not now. not at this moment. till then.....:)

my day

sleep late. try to busy my life with unnecessary activities. in truth, i actually try to run away from problems and things that occur. this  is my way of showing i'm fine when i'm not. for those who know me well enough will know why i do this, but for those who don't will agree on what i did as they cannot see what lay behind my acts.

hmm. blog has transform to be my diary these days...huhuhu. i need to make it private if i'm going to keep on like this. okey, lets talk bout what had happen that i want to share with someone that i can't anymore. wait.. what if that person reads this?? well. let it be. i have nothing to lose anymore. *sigh*

driving! i cant believe that my parents actually let me drive soo far. even let me drive to my kampung. allow me to fetch my lil bro even it was the busiest road ever in alor star. hehe. even if i am a bit anxious, but it turns out quite well...still, whenever im going to drive, feel like sharing it with someone. when it turns out well, feel like sharing it to someone again. hmm. awkward.

actually, why am i typing these anyway? because I'm so bored. No one to talks to. My best friend is having her exam, cant disturb her for now. oh yeah, almost forget- well actualy i am trying to forget it anyway. it is because i had a little accident just now! my first small car accident!! still freaking out with that. but im fine. :) err, until my parents find out, for now i'm good. hehe.

changes are permanent

Is it true?? well, for me...some are permanent and some are not. well, lets look at this way, when someone or something influence u to do a thing that u never do before or to try to change yourself, u tend to follow it at fes place - willingly or not...but later, when u realise it is not part of u, u will change it again. at that time, its either u change it back to its original state or u transform it to a better one. so, its easy to say, the changes that are not fit to you is not permanent... this is because the power of changing things around you is in your hand.

emm, why am i even talking about this? what came to my mind that triggers me to talk about this? hmmm. let say I've been having a muhasabah session....thinking back on how different i am now from the 'old' me a year ago...

what i can conclude from my once in a blue moon session is ----> no matter how differ i am. i am proud to be who i am now and  who i was a year ago. i cannot thnx enough fr all people around me and the situation i was put in that define me as i am nw. wah, ttbe je rse mcm da jd sorg yg befalsafah..haha.

now i learn that wearing bju kurung, jubah, blouse and skirts is not even half bad. starts to reduce my caffeine intake. even get introduced to existence of colours other than black and white. and most of all, moping is not so renyah after all. hehe.

but, i think the most out of the most changes i get to realise now is how my character has changed here and there. i'm an egoistic person. too ego for a girl, u may say. till now i still am. maybe more ego than before. still hard to open myself up. prefer to pretend that I'm fine when I'm not. love to push myself too hard and try to be strong even if its the last thing i have to do.. partly because of my ego-ness, partly because i don't want to get hurt in the end. because i dont want too depend on people. some say that the wall i kept around me can keep the pain out. but it also restrain the happiness from getting in. err...ok. lets stop talking bout this concrete bricks, ye. :)

i think this is my post fr now. hmm. alang2 skng ni tgh mood bes nk berfalsafah, almost everyday ak post ye...haha. look forward to my next post ye. even if its all merapu jer..

First year anniversary

13 JUNE...tarikh agak keramat nih. hehe. it has been a year. a delightful and yet adventurous year we had together. From nothing, we gain firm and strong bond among each and one of us. Its weird how we came with zero idea about each one of us, but yet we became so close and understanding. well...some of us do have a few problems in their brain frequency set up..hahaha.well that, is a different story to start with.

if i talk about each and one of us, it will be a cliche, isnt it. well, fr nw, i dont want to talk about all of them. i mean not ALL of them....just a few from my very point of view.

lets start with my roommate fes. she's from bidor, perak. ok, sye tak tau knpe, but sye rse mcm we did not start very well. n if i boleh change back time, i nk ubah our fes meeting kt bwh bridge tuh. hehe. sye tak rapat sgt ngn dye. but i always hope that i am. it wuld be soo great if i rapat ngn dye. come on la. we have a lot of persamaan here and there. we can if we try. tp, ntah lah....still wondering.

my housemate. a girl from kuala terengganu. she very nice. my friend for evil and good time. hahaha. she is fine when i ajak dye kua mkn tgh2 mlm..emm, maybe until 11pm lah. x pnah lak ajak aftr 12am. hehehe. she is a good listener, a good adviser. almost all my deep secrets, she know already. a good secret keeper, then.  :) to be sum up, she is my best friend here.

next, about an Indian girl that i easily become fond to with. i love to talk sarcasm with her. guess that is how i show how i like her.and i care bout her. she has a unique and a too positive mind which it can be seen by the way she talks and live.  ok, i cant talk bad bout her, coz she may read this.. =P hehehe

there is also one girl that manage to irritate me soo much but i can brush it off so easily after that. maybe because i pity her. but some say that your true friend is the one that will manage to irritate u but yet u wont feel hurt. is this the rezen (?) well, lets just wait and see.

hmm. there is three more ppl in my house that i didnt talk about yet.well....so far, they are a very bookworm person. help me a lot whenever i need a hand. we didnt so rapat. but that is not because we gaduh or anythg, its because we didnt spend soo much time together as they were busy studying in their own lattice. hehehe.

ok, enuf with my housemate. need to talk about the girls downstairs also...hehe. well. they are 6 of them. each with own unique character. the one that i easy friend with is the one that i hardly find the persamaan between us. weird rite. maybe thats y i get close to her.

3 girls from johor. one from batu pahat, one from kluang and one from labis. hmm. the one from labis, she very tegas. tetap pendirian. a good advicer. she tak rsa malu utk mintx maaf if she salah. one of her good qualities tht i found in her.  the one from kluang, she is a good driver. great one, actually. very tall. tallest girl in the batch. the one from labis, she is so manja2 pnye type. i usually will buat tak tahu jer with ppl like her. but i cant. i rse mcm ade sense utk protect her sbb she can be so mnje n innocent at same time.

one girl from kuala terengganu also. same school with my housemate. hahaha. hmm. fr me. whenever i think about flight, i think of her. get it? haha. x pe lah. let me be the one yg pham. =D the last but not least, from kelantan. she have same phone like me!! wohoo.. a copycat! haha. x de lah. biasa je. she is sooo semangat kenegerian. never see someone like her before. well, there is always first time.

okey....had to admit. it will take ages fr me to talk bout them, each have their own interesting character that i will be more than happy to talk about.it is a difficult task fr me to sum up everythg bout them in a few words only...hehe. but still, i think i have done a good job already. *bangga jp*

Girls, here is a secret from me to all of u... *toleh kanan n toleh kiri* i love you. *whisper*

We are changing for the greater good. Just give us some time.

It takes times. But its okay. slow is great. i can manage it. :)

#Random saying#

It takes only one minute to have a crush on someone. An hour to like someone, and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone. It’s hard for me to forget you.

The reasons people hold on to memories so tight is because the memories are the only things that doesn’t change when everything else does. I’ll always hold on to our memories

Never take too much care on someone because you won’t be able to stand the pain when they start avoiding you.  I’m having this pain right now because I care too much for you.

 You can close your eyes to the things that you do not want to see. But you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.  My heart ache for you even if I act like it didn’t.

It’s hard to move on especially when you can’t look at anyone else without that one guy in your heart. *sigh*

When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut. It can be healed but it always be a scar. It will remain as a deep scar in my heart.

There’s always that one special person that no matter what they have done to you, you still…just don’t let them go. The reasons why I hold to you so tight.

Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. It means you have been too strong for too long. Yeah, I’m a strong girl. *grin*

No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends. Thanks to all my friends. I love you so much.

Sometimes, I just wish that there is somebody to hug me and say; ‘everything is going to be alright.’ And I wish it is you. But I know it will remains as a wish only.

Sometimes, even when you have a good reason to hold on, you have to realize that it’d much better if you let go.  It hurts and I cried soo much even when I know and realized it was meant for good.

If only Im brave enough to tell you this!!

That very morning, I wake up with a lousy feelings. Had nightmares.  Again! I begin to feel like the nightmares had a reason behind it. *sigh*  With a mixed feeling, I lay soo low the whole morning. But when the feeling become so sickening, I just thought about you. Yes you! Maybe I could share with you.  Just maybe...you could came out with your ideas and advices..I took my phone and decided to  text you. But you didn’t reply.I waited n waited n waited.  Its too overwhelming till I turn back and cry. I was scared. I feel alone. Isolated. I don’t know why but I feel like I cannot trust anyone at all.

Hours later, u txt me back. But I was so tired. Damn tired. Guess i cried too much. I just read the txt and threw the phone away. Still, I remained in my bed. Then you called me. I wanted to answer it. but im scared. I afraid if you realized that Im not ok. You may realize that I sound like I just cried. I don’t want to look weak n vulnerable.

Suddenly my friend came n told me that you text her…asking about my whereabouts n my condition. Im shocked. But I just smiled and said that im fine and ill be texting you later. But it took me quite a long time to calm myself.  To feel like myself once again.

Awak, I've been having a bad dream. Terrible ones. The ones that make me woke up trembling or with tears on my cheeks and breathing so fast till it hurt.  Im sorry. But Im not the type that talked about nightmare. I had some belief -which kinda weird- I just dont talk about nightmares. Its not what i talk about. Especially the dream is what im scared the most. Im always happy when i didnt dream anything at all. which is so rare these days.. T.T

I used to tell you that I cant sleep for days. I will eventually woke up in the middle of the night. or end up feeling like sh*t in the morning. I asked you to accompany me, right. everynight, text me till i fall asleep. i know i was being annoyingly girlish - whatever you may called this. but Im scared. Id rather being called like that than not having enough sleep at all. 

But i guess im not telling you about this. may be one day, on one fine day,  you will know why. you wont accuse me of being a liar. hmm. its too hard to bear it alone. But its even more painful to share when i know ppl will left one day...i had a problem with trust and i will always will...

P/s: date ni tak btol snanye...i wrote bout this after i was accuse to be a liar. tp bru post...lgpun. bkn nye ade sespe yg nk bce my post kan. so, i had nothg to lose....... :')

Album gambar keluarga

Bila sudah boring2, sye mula la gatal tangan...tarik album lma2. selak one by one pic yg ade. hati da mula sedih dah...air mata dah mula mengalir. knpe ye? knpe sye rse fmly sye mcm ade smthg is not right.we are closed but yet so far. we barely had pictures together with all the members in it. 

Jemariku terus menyelak album keluarga. Ade satu gambar yg brjye buat sye menangis. gmbr family masa sye masih kecil...ermm, maybe 4 atau 5 tahun kot mse tu. dlm gmbr tu, ade atok, nenek, mak, abah, pk ngah n mk ngah,pk su, my abg, my cousin n anak angkat nenek.

the only person yg sye sgt2 rindukan is my atok. sye tak rapat pun dengan atok. sye tak ingat bila kali terakhir sye peluk atok. sbb setiap kali sye ade dekat dengan atok, hati sye sakit sangat. hati sya terluka. atok, knapa atok layan sye macam ni atok? knpe atok keluarkan kata2 yg sangat menyakitkan hati pd saya atok? besar sangat ke salah saya atok? saya tahu sy bukannya cucu kesayangan atok, tapi jgn layan sye macam saya ni a piece of junk yg tak layak nk pijak rmh atok...

sye masih kecil lagi, atok. baru 6 atau 7 tahun masa tu. knpe atok pnggil sye dengan gelaran tu. sye mungkin tak paham ape yg atuk maksudkn mse tu, tp sye tak akn lupekan ape yg atok ckp pde sye. smpai ble2 pun! benci sgt ke atok pd sye? jika ya, knpe atok? sye ade buat salah besar mana atok? teruk sgt ke kesalahan tu smpi skrg kta tak boleh nak rapat?

Atok, sye tak nak atok mrh2 dkt sye. Sye tau atok x ske sye, sbb tu sye sntiasa elak dr berada di tmpt yg sme ngn atok kalo ade sye dgn atok je. Atok perasan tak, kalo atok ade kat dapur, sye tak kan pergi dapur kecuali kalo ade mak temankan. Sye takut sgt dgn atok. ye, sye takot dgn atok. Sye sentiasa terigt "kata-kata manis" yg atok ucapkan ble atok marah dkt sye waktu sye kecik dlu... Sye tak akan lpekan, atok..

Kwn sye ade ckp, maafkan la atok kau tu. Org tgh mrh, biasa la tu...hmmm, mgkn betul ape yg kwn sye ckp, atok. Tp, sye manusia biasa, atok. Sye boleh maafkan atok. Boleh! Sye tak pnah marah dkt atok. Tp sye takkan lpekan ape yg dh jadi atok. bohonglah kalo sye ckp sye tak terasa. bohonglah kalo sye ckp sye tak terkilan. 

 Atok, cucu yg atok pernah hina ni  dulu tak pernah buat malu kat atok. cucu yg atuk pnah beri "kata-kata manis" ni tak pernah mintak ape2 atas ape yg diperoleh. cucu yg sorg ni tak pnah mintak pujian dr atok. ape yg cucu ini inginkan cuma atok. Sye nak atok kenal sye. Sye nak satu hari nanti, atok dgn bngganye boleh tunding jari dkt sye n ckp "inilah cucuku yg aku banggakan"

Agak2 ble mase tu akan dtg ye, atok? hmm....sye sgt nantikan saat itu atok. sgt3.

To someone special to me

dah lme tak bka blog. bukan apa, tak smpat. n tak tau nk post apa pun. hikhik. ape lah ak nih. :D emmm... tetiba hari ni ak trigat kat dia.. let called him Mr Z. sye ngn dia dlu rapat. rapat sgt. semua bnda ak buat, dy akan tau. apa sja yg ak pikiaq pun, ak msti habaq kat dy. kiranya sye mmg story semua kt dy je lah. smpi semua ingat sye kapel ngn dy. hahaha

:'( tp nw..km x ckp pun. langsung tak. almost 6 months km cam ni. sbb apa? ak pun x tau. antara kami ada sumthing left undone and unsaid.....n i cant pinpoint it to wht it was about.  hmm. sye harap sgt km rapat blik. even tak boleh nk serapat dlu, at least bg lah km dpt brckp to each other like normal again. sye rindu awk sgt3..

Mr Z, sye rindu awk tau tak? Sye sygkn awk. knpe kte dua jadi mcm ni? Ape dah jadi? Knpe awk makin mendingin?

Apa jadi hari tu? Apa yg brlaku smpi awak buat mcm ni? Sye x tau weh. Sye mmg tak tau. Plz terang kat sy. Bg sye paham. Sye pnat buat2 paham n its killing me. many things happen that make me hurt. Tp sye diam ja. Tau x, sye defend awak hr tu. Bla diorang ckp awk buat cerita, sye defend awk sbb sye prcaya kat awk. Bla sye dpt tau mmg btol awk buat, sye sedih sgt. Im crying inside. tp sye x nk judge pa pe. sbb sye syg awk. sye pun syg dia, Ms A.

sye ada tnya awk npa awk buat cm ni kan? igt tak sye pnah mcj awk? igt tak sye ckp yg sye sntiasa prcya kat awk. u r my secret box. forever and ever. tp reply awk sgt menyakitkan hati sye...awk ckp kat sye, no, awk pesan kt sye utk jgn prcyakan awk sgt. what?! wait..ape dah jadi ni?? knpe awk buat macam ni? ape yg dah berlaku awk? tlg lah, rungkaikan simpulan yg ade ni, awk..

sye sgt harap kte akan baik semula. it feels awkward, awk. we are going to be together fr the next 5 years. smpi kte dpt MBBS. x kan la nk biarkn bnde ni berselirat. boleh tak kita jadi kawan semula? awak, will u be my friend again? will u?