lone ranger?

Ever  felt  afraid of what you are doing? Afraid if your choice will only lead you to another one? I have made my choice. And I even make my first step. But as I walk, sometimes I stop to think back again. Did I make the right choice? Am I going to regret it? Can I walk back the path that I once dream about?  

In life, there are many people that you meet.  Some come and go. Some come and leave marks in your life and then left.  Some come to stay in your life. Perhaps as an enemy, companion or yet a lover.  I welcome everyone that comes in my life. For me it’s a new journey that I love to face each time I meet people. Making friends leads me to an adventurous path. The ones that I may or may not come across before.

As much as I love to make new friends, I have a bad habit of letting them free. If they left, I do not  make any step to hold them to me. Why? Maybe because I believe that there is no point on holding on people so dearly when they decided to walk away.  Maybe this is the reasons why I do not want anyone to be close to me. Cause I know that sooner or later, they will walk away.

Knowing that deep in my heart I’m going to miss them dearly for such a period,  I also know that I can permanently delete them from my thoughts once the period is over. Am I selfish? Am I cruel? Well, I’m standing tall and proud saying that yes I am. Though I wish I am not.

 I had encountered these kind of situation before.  Times when people walk away or when I am the one that choose to walk away. Wait?! Why am I the one that walk away sometimes?? Hmm, its because I guess I’m too tired or too hurt to stand by his or her side anymore. The times when it tears me up.  But when I tried to hold on it hurts too much. I tried to forgive but it's just not enough to make it all okay. :(

Sometimes when I am alone - walking alone or sitting alone in the bus or train with mp3 on with volume so high, I thought about this. Am I lonely? Hell yes, I do. I do feel the emptiness in my heart. Sometimes I carve for someone to hear my story. I don’t  mind if that person do not listen. It only matters that he or she is by my side. Sometimes I need a shoulder or a consoling hand to wipe away my tears. I’m tired of running away. Tired of looking away when I am crying. Tired of tearing up a smile when i dont feel like it. Most of all. I am tired of everything.  

weird

have you ever have the same dream over and over again. but  yet you cant get over it?? have you ever woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath but yet when you drifted to sleep again the dream comes again? but the dream is not a sweet dream. its a nightmare! you feel confused, dumbstrucked, or whatever you may called this feeling whenever you wake up. much worse when headache comes along. T.T

okey, now I'm breaking a BIG principle in my life. i decided to talk about my dream - at least one of them. the one that i know i can talk about. hmm, to tell the truth, i've been having this particular dream for a long time already. i cant remember when it first started. but whenever i wake up and drift back to sleep, this dream is not knocking my head anymore for that particular night. 

but last night somehow, it kept knocking in my head many times. i woke up a few times but when i went to sleep again, it appear again. in the dream, i was like in a maze. a big and complicated one. the one like pagar sesat in harry potter and the goblet of fire. i was trying to look for the way out, but each turn i take just bring me deeper and deeper into those scary place. and sometimes, the next second i realize that i am awake and lying in the comfort of my bed. 

it IS weird but i don't know how to get rid of these dreams. i tried many times and many methods before, but since none of it works well, i guess i have to live with it. maybe just maybe it will soon tired of trapping me inside it and let me go. I'll be a happy person if that occur. :)

a mix-match destiny?

my new sem started with a weird incident. someone took my bag! ohmg. so freaking shock. lucky im sane enough to do all the necessary procedure like making aduan, leaving my phone no and even took the driver's number.

it was at 11am, i think, when i got a call from the bus company saying that a guy has mistook my bag. waitt.. A GUY!!!!  haha. so, my friends' predictions are all wrong then. they guessed it was a grandfather(?) or maybe a university girl just like me...hehe

by 12 noon i got hold of the guy's phone number together with his name. called him and try to negotiate about the time and place to return the bag to me. yeah, had to admit, he has a deep voice that sounds just nice and matured.he sounds like a responsible man even though i still mad at him for taking my bag. i also can sense that he do feel sorry for taking my bag and he try so hard to return it.

He also starting a new sem. just like me. :) he is now busy with the registration and things so, we don't have time to meet up yet. i cant force him as he now in a university in gombak. he also has to travel all the way to shah alam, so i dont want to burden him too much as he already willing to return my bag.

do you wanna know something?? when we talk thru phone - couples of times already, i can sense that he speak in northern dialect. but i purposely do not want to speak in same dialect. why? i also dont know. maybe i want to punish him. or maybe i want to tease him. hahaha. my best friend keep teasing me. saying that somehow this guy is my destiny. my Mr Right. He is the one for me..hahha


anyway. i cant wait to see him. to get hold of my bag. but in truth, i really look forward to see him. why? well, maybe i want to thank him. maybe i want to see the owner of the deep voice?  hahaha. well, that is for me to know and for you to find out when i post something about him later - if i DO post.

The born of talented (?) actor

it has been long since my last post. did not have time. yet want to share a LOT of things. hush...now im stealing my afternoon nap to blogging here. hehe.

my classmate said to me, "please share your feelings. don't swallow everything inside you." i know she meant good but it just don't feel that way. i know myself well enough to know that i cant stand tall anymore if i start to tear up. here and there i felt sharp pain in the chest that has nothing to do with the my sickness.  i try to cheer up and push everything aside. try to be strong. try to act strong, at least.

it took me a week to ready myself. one week is never going to be enough but i try to use all the time in it. and it hurt and still am. feel empty and alone. and when i look at him, i told myself i have to be strong for me, for him and for all especially the reason beneath it.

it hurts when people joke about us though they do not know so its not their fault anyway.

it hurts when i do things that i always tell him afterwards but now i have to keep it inside.

it hurts when i unconsiously hold my phone wanting to text him. but i know that i cant.

it hurts when i sick but can not tell him but yet have to be strong.

it hurts when the pain come and i just hold my breath and keep my eyes closed so that the pain will receded as i start to fall asleep slowly.

it hurts when i can't stand to see people looking at me in a way as if im going to explode the next second.

but the most hurt is when i have to avoid to see people straight in the eyes for fear that they may see the pain and hurt in my eyes.

you may say i look fine. like i'm not hurt at all. well, i want you to think that way. but deep inside, i know what i feel. 

I am sorry.

kecewa. sedih. hopeless and helpless.. thanx for giving me the opportunity to feel it anyway.

I gave myself excuses. lots and lots of excuses. maybe you didn't read it. maybe you trying to see it words by words, that's why it took you soo long. maybe you are looking for better words to say it. but the excuses have become excuses already. is this your choice? it hurts but i'll try to accept it. somehow.

Do you realised how i feel now? am i really just someone that pass by your life? someone that does not even deserve a tiny bit of consideration?? am i that bad to you? huh. i wonder how my picture looks like in your eyes. do you know, i bruise my ego for that. for me to type that kind of message was a big miracle already.
for such a long time, i finally extend my hand. i pour myself out and this is the outcome??

beggars cant be picky, rite. So, i'll accept your decisions. I'm sorry. I have been wrong. I have been acting like a royal pain in the ass for such a long time. I don't deserve it anyway. FINE! you can throw me out. out of your sight. out of your mind. better yet, out of your life! it's not the first time in mylife anyway. I'll live on. bruised and bleeding. but it will heal. one day.