Long hiatus

Hai. oh my god. It has been ages (3 years to be accurate) since i open this blog. I honestly thought that this blog already disappear from this world.. but surprise surprise.. it still stand tall at the corner of the internet (if the internet has edges) 😂😂

3 years changes sooo much. i was a third year medical student and now im a medical graduates. I was heartbroken before yet now i have heal and move on. As days goes on, u dont feel any changes. but once u reflect on years ago.. u will be surprise on changes that occured.

After a long intentional hiatus.. I'm planning to comeback (lol. sounds like im gonna release an album 😂) hoping its for a positive vibes.

Let the stinks goes and be a brand new matured me shine brightly.

3 flights away

Waalaikumusalam ela,

You. Yes you. You are also one of the bestest things that happen to me. EVER!!

We did have our 'click' back in msu. Yess. I feel that too. Strongly. Its like we are two puzzles that just matched perfectly. We still do.

We both are a complete opposite. Like polar opposite
I like it hot. You like it cool. (Bajet suam2 kuku)
I like werewolf kind of story. You like sappy love story.
I like...no...i love to rant like ALL the times. You listened very well.
I like action movie but you have a strict list of movie you like.
And the list goes on and on and on.

Yet we do share things in common. (I copied the list you make)
Wattpad, Eating outside, hanging out together - wherever and whenever, shopping, gossiping, fan girling over bigbang and winner.. oh yeah,, the list does goes on and on.

Ela, i feel like at ease whenever im with you. Sometime, i will knock on your door. Using excuses like i want to lie down on your bed while surfing internet or i want to charge my phone... But actually, truthfully, i want to stay in same room with you. It feels awesome. You on your laptop and im playing with my phone feels natural. We dont have to talk all the time. But being there feels enough. Complete.

Ela, in these 4 years i want to say "im sorry" for all the things i burden you all this time.. With my constant whining... My anxiety... My eating behaviour. Ak mkn punya lah lama smpi ela pun dh start mkn lmbt... My condition yg slalu tremors and all... My never ending love story that you once said tht my love story is longer than any indon drama 😂😂 I want to say sorry for a lot of things and more. Anything i say or do that hurts you. Yg buat u terasa. Ak mohon maaf sgt2...

Ela,
I want to thank you for listening to my luahan perasaan.
For lending me your shoulder to cry on. For listening to anything and everything i rant about.
For staying with me everytime i want to eat sampai aku habis makan.
For tolerating with my eating behaviour. My picky eating.
Tq sbb sanggup datang kt ak masa ak nangis kol hang.
Tq sbb hg sanggup ponteng one day class sbb teman ak masuk hospital. Tq sbb sanggup ada dgn aku masa ak kna buat Lumbar Puncture wpun hg kena halau keluar dri treatment room. Hg langsung tak teragak2 utk ponteng kelas. 😭😭
Tq sbb hg selalu tolerate ak lepak dlm bilik hg lama2.
Tq sbb slalu ketuk pintu ak n tnya aku nk mkn apa utk hg order.
Tq sbb keep track with me on everything.
Abd for being there for the start till the end.

*crying*

Ela, getting separated with you feel damn hurt. Sbb we both now how sucks we are keeping track on long distance relationship. Despite having fb, ig, twitter, wassap...we both now that our friendship will have a change here and there. Cause we both sucks. Big time!!

Ela,
Despite my never ending rant to you. There are things that i hid from you. I never tell you before...that i wish...no..i want to fail my second year unis. Because i want to be with you. I even start my planning of failing exam.. but then, at the end of the study weeks, the reality hits me. Someone told me that im being idiotic. Sape aku utk ubah perancangan Allah. I feel like a slap in my face. Sumpah wehh, ak rasa down gila. I feel helpless. I was torn between my family and you. And at last, ak serahkn everything kt Allah. Because i know He is the best perancang. He knows everything. And when i did pass my second year, i cried. I cried for future. Im scared of future. I feel like Im at lossing end. And i start feeling empty.

Ela, selain dri pasal family, study, my heartbreaks.... I did talk about you to my consultant. I did told them how i was scared of leaving you. How it hurts me. How im scared of what will happen now.. how i dont know how to cope...

I realised that i am an independent girl but once i get dependent on one person, i get stuck! I have become very dependent to you. Ela dh jadi my escapism. In order to escape my anxiety, i selfishly used you all this time. I used you. I make you teman aku makan. I make you stay with me till i finish eating, I had used you.. and now, im alone. Literally and figuratively alone.

We are separated by thousands of kilometres. And im not ready. Gosh, im scared that i will succumb in my anxiety and i will starve to death.

To others, they might say im being overly exaggerated. And they will say i have them in Muar. But they are not you, ela... It just not the same.

Lepas ni, dah takde dah org nk teman aku makan. I need to do it myself, somehow. 😭😭 lepas ni dah takde dah org nk aku ajak lepak2 minum air kt kedai makan. Lepas ni dah takde dah org ak nk membebel pasal everything.

Gosh, Im missing you teribbly. Ela, i wish you all the best for your Unis. I want to meet you again in Muar in another 6 months.. see you in 6 months ela. Till then, im going miss you sooo damn much. Jgn lupe, slalu2 la bukak wassap tauu..

fall is it worth it? the stain?

B said aku perasan bagus. aku ni bajet baik. and probably others as well. *sigh*

i know, im the one who start the act. so, i should at least anticipate this. i should at least expect this to happen. sooner or later.

and aku x harap org utk memahami. because everything is a build-up emotion that i kept for long. and amazingly, the raw emotion has disappear. The remaining one are cold and numbness. 

biarlah apa org nak kata. aku fham situasi aku and k faham kenapa kau buat mcam tu. tapi kau cuma org luar yg berfikir pkai otak kau sja. x pikir perasaan dan intepretasi org lain. kau rasa tindakan kau betul. lain org lain cara. tindakan kau mungkin betul utk org lain tpi tidak untuk aku. 

LIFE - LOVE

life is ironic. it flows in a way we dont plan to. unexpected things happen. one move can change everything.

we cant help who we fall in love with. its even surprising when you found out that everything you want is not according to plan.

love come in the least expected place amd situation. you had two options. First one is accept it with open arms. Second one is you can let it go. Its YOUR CHOICE.

Live the life you want and love the way you live. 

Dear No One - Tori Kelly

Dear No One

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do
I like being by myself
Don't gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to...

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin', for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
Ooo-OhOh

I don't really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeah
But I'd love to have a soulmate
And God'll give him to me someday
And I know it'll be worth the wait, oh

So if your out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin' (But I'm done lookin'), for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one (Dear nobody) this is your love song (Ooo-Oooh)

Sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin' (I'm done lookin'), for my future someone (Ooo-Yeah)
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one (Dear Nobody) this is your love song (This is your love song)
Dear no one, no need to be searchin', no
Dear no one...
Dear no one...
Dear No one, this is your love song

CURSED

it just a piece of shit. a round of shit and curses that she put around her finger. but that piece of shit that she still keep till now symbolise my dumbness. symbolised her betrayal to me. her betrayal to me-her bestfriends. opps, pardon me, her EX-bestfriend!

i know... its years ago kinda things. but if she was sorry for what happen, she will at least TRY to understand MY feeling. have a heart to protect my feeling. if she was at least a decent friend, she would throw tht cursed thing away long time ago. not valued it as a friendship token! if she valued that as token of friendship, then she valued him more than me. its over!  DONE!

and here i am - assumed and thought about everything. huh, what can i do when every your action gave the same perception? the same idea. the same bullshit. 

i believe that action speaks louder than words. your action is enough to me already. no need to come and brag to me on all the good things you did. because words comes from the lying mouth. but your act, your deed... it comes from your heart and your mind. thats what i need. 

My relationship goal

I always wish for a family arranged marriage. Perhaps because my mom and dad are one. N my pk ngah n mk ngah. And also pk su n mk su.

Arranged marriage or marriage almost like that. (aka yg seangkatan dgnnya). It was pure. I feel like it is proper. Kena dgn fitrah. When a guy feel and know that he is ready. And he goes directly to wali and ask for her hand of marriage. It is a manly act! A prove that he is brave enough. It doesnt matter whether he knows her before that or not. But at same time, the girl should also make herself ready. It has to be two way. Not one way only.

My brother, he asked my mom to search a girl to be his wife. My mom asked for my aunt's help. And they did find one girl. And both my brother and the girl met in a cafe. For the first time! Never talk or msg-ing before that. Just see each other pictures. In one evening, both sits together face to face and talk. Asking bout each others' details - biodata bla bla bla. I was there. I kinda being a penganggu aka moderator. Well, we - the girl's friend and i are the moderatorS. But overall, with the teasing and asking questions and laugh - it was....... Unexplained feeling. Awkward. Sacred.

I kinda envy my brother and the girl (she is not to be named YET). Why i envy them? Maybe because i reallly wish i was in her shoes. Because i really love that. And i really want that....

U probably think, ehh afi ni nenggatal nk kahwin betul... Hahaha. Nope. Im not that desprate utk kwin. My heart currently are mending itself after being broken and smashed to pieces. Kalau ttbe ada org ketuk pintu rmh and berbalas pantun dgn mak abah nk merisik ak, sah sah ak tolak. I dont want to make anyone as a rebound. Nope! Never!

But.... What i really feel is..........I rlly apreciated the beauty of arranged marriage. The beauty of love AFTER marriage. Bila kita jaga pergaulan. Berkwin bukan sekadar nafsu... Now THAT is a wow!!

Amik cth my parents. Both x pnh kenal before kahwin. It was arranged marriage. And despite of kekurangan n kelemahan each other, they try to appreciate each other kebolehan n kelebihan. After all rintangan, they did it.

damsel-in-distress-to-be

i wore heels when im going back to malaysia. purpose? it give me extra height. and i can easily put my bags on overhead compartment without help. u might think im exagerating..but hey, im 35kg. coming from me, i think its huge enough, rite! 

but there is one time, the overhead compartment is verrry big. my bag goes wayyy down and i cant reach it.. so, i ask for help. thank god there is a guy sit beside me. my saviour...

and masa tu jgak..... terpikir. slama ni i am very independent. whenever possible, i will try my best not to ask for help. cause i feel such a failure if i do so... or i become a burden to others. i dont want to be a damsel-in-distress... and maybe because of that i become boring. easy. and maybe sbb tu lah, all this thing happen. 

and im tired...maybe lepas ni, no more tough girl 24/7..... sekali sekala nak jgk jd org yg memerlukan pertolongan. and probably a prince charming will come and save the day. if im lucky, the prince charming will stay. stay with me. and probably for forever. 

sooo, thats why for the title --> damsel-in-distress-to-be

a dilemma - a pass or a fail

dear jade,

   i was once betrayed. and you were there with me. i was at brink of tears and you offered me tissue. lots and lots of it. and when i did cry, you offered me a shoulder to cry for. when im at conflict, you tried to give the best advice you can. instead of forcing, you guide me. and for that im at most grateful. and you has become my jade. my one and only jade.

   jade, now we are at the verge of getting separated.... and me being so weak, i dont want to lose you. you are my only friend. i dont think i can do it without you. who will hear my rant? who else would offer me a shoulder to cry for? i dont think i can stand being the tough me without you. i cant.

   you may not know, jade, but i had decided to stay with you. because moving forward without you feels like trying to breath in water. its suffocating. it hurts. 

   but i know its wrong. its wrong to prepare myself for thing like that. it just wrong. i feel like im such a failure. instead of feeling happy, i feel like shit. im feeling so down. 

   jade, im getting confused each day. i dont know what i want anymore. to move forward and going to third year or to stay behind? i dont know what to do anymore.

   i feel empty. like there is a hollow in my heart. i keep thinking of the pro's and con's of each. but yet, im getting more confused. i cried myself to sleep thinking that i made a grave mistake. yet, i still think of staying. 

   jade, im scared jade. idk. i just dont know. whatever the result will be, im going to accept it. and hope fr the best for me and you. 

Love,

Me

caffeinated-pumped-zombie

pass or fail. its like having an academical life sentence...study days and nights...less sleep and eventually more caffeine pump inside our system. not to mention all those panic attack and teary moments when we felt down... i guess tht pretty sum up study break.... in one word, caffeinated-zombie! 

and its kinda quite normal having classmate post selfie pic with oversize eyebag or selfie with a sleepy eyes and straight smile... and somehow, seeing tht post, it feels like a mutual understanding between all. we all tired. tensed. and wish that this, what-ever-we-shud-called-this-super-tension-moments to be over and get over it soon. 

and a new routine had started. wake early morning, has pray, eat breakfast... then go library. lunch break plus pray, then library again. again dinner break plus pray.... then library again. then go bck home sleeping. and wake up tommorow early morning. the cycle start again.  seee... we became caffeinated-pumped-zombie. and its tiring. how i wish it ends soon. 

write and rewrite the correction till you get it right!!

'Fahmi, fifah bawak beg sekolah mai sini!'

Almost tiap minggu, ni lah ayat keramat yang abah akan cakap. buat spot check katanya. Abah akan buka dan geledah beg sorang2. takkk... bukannya nak cari barang2 haram. tapi nak cek buat kerja sekolah ke tak! abah bukak satu persatu buku. kalau ada salah disuruh buat correction. kalau ada homework, disuruh siapkan on the spot! hoho. mungkin sebab ni kot, aku selalu siapkan homework masa sekolah rendah. sebab ada orang yang make sure homework tu completed. and orng itu adalah abah! tapi bila dah masuk sekolah menengah abah dah tak cek dah beg kami, kononya kami dah 'besar'. mampu nk uruskan diri sendiri... cewahhh. 

disebabkan abah ni cikgu yang mengajar bahasa omputihh, buku latihan bahasa inggeris ni lagi teliti pulak spot check dia. paling pantang kalau ada salah ejaan kaa. salah grammar ka... memang kena lahhh. aku siap ada satu buku latihan bahasa inggeris kat rumah. nak tau dak apa tujuan buku tu??? haaa, kalau ada salah ejaan, aku kena tulih balik perkataan tu sampai 50 kali. sampai la dapat hafal dan tak akan salah ejaan tu dahhh. kalau still salah, kena salin lagi perkataan tuu. haishhh... aku ingat lagi, aku pernah salah eja beautiful. hahhaha. sampai mati aku ingat ejaan beautiful, insyAllah. :) (p/s: bnyak ja ejaan lain yang aku salah tapi perkataan beautiful ni ja aku sentiasa ingat)

kadang2 bila abah buat spot check mengejut, tak sempat nak sorok jawapan kertas periksa.... aisehhh, mmg kena ahh esp kalo result teruk. itu pun kena buat correction gak tau dakkk!!! sebenarnya semua subjek kena buat correction kalau salah.... aku ingat lagi, kalau matematik, aku salin 3 kali.... hmm, sbb apa kena salin tiga kali ja, hat tu aku tak tauuu. tapi kannn,  nasib baik abah tak suruh salin 50 kali gak kann correction soalan matematik. kalau tak, berkurang lagi masa bermain aku...

ohh, satu lagi, abah ada suruh salin esei bahasa inggeris. salin jaaa. ambik buku contoh karangan, tiru... salin words by words. kononya dapat biasakan diri dengan cara nk buat esei. abah pesan soh buat satu sehari. tapi aku malas. masa hujung minggu, aku akan salin siap2 utk hari minggu tu... so, tak dak la berkurang masa bermain aku time hari mingggu.. trick mengelat nihhh...hahaha.. tapi ni pun hangat2 taik ayam jaaa, lepas dua tiga bulan, aku dah tak salin dah. abah pun tak ingat nak tanya. aku pun... apa lagi, buat2 lupa lah. hahahah.

tapi betul la, kenangan zaman dlu best sangat. walaupun aku ni nampk mcm budak nerd sebab mak bapak dua2 cikgu, tapi aku enjoy sangat masa kanak2 aku. paling best bila pi sekolah mak abah, mesti kakak2 dan abang2 (depa ni anak2 murid mak dan abah aku) akan belanja makan or minum.

kalau join school trip sekolah mak n abah lagi best! pernah sekali tu, mak, aku n abang pi cameron highland. abah n paan dok kat rumah. masa tu paan kecik lagi. abah ngn mak still mengajar SMK Baling time nih. gambaq beromantik ngn abang ada lagi kat rumah. nk tergelak tengok gmbaq tuhh. hahahhah. kenangan kenangan. 

rindu zaman2 kanak2 riang gumbira ceria bersahaja. sekali sekala rasa macam nak putar masa ke zaman dlu sekejap. nk take rest of this hectic life and reminiscence skjap. hmmmm~~

banyak pulak aku membebel ni. padahal banyak kerja tak siap lagi. ahahhaha. okeylah. ciau dlu for now.. 

13 jam A380

dah lama sangat tak beli novel melayu. dekat 6 bulan dah. kalau dlu, blh kata tiap2 bulan ak mesti akan beli novel. bkn tahap kaki novel dah ni. jdi hantu novel dahh. tapi ni lah novel first aku since past 6 months. bukannya boikot novel tapi kat india mana nak cari novel melayu. novel omputih berlambak ah. bila dah lama tak duk kat tanah air ni, dah tak amik tau sangat dah pasal novel terbaru. dah tak amik tau dah psl penulis tiptop terbaru. beli novel ni pun sebab ada org yg super duper excited rekemen novel ni kat alu. harapnya berbaloi lahh.

cakap pasal novel ni kann, wpun aku ni hantu novel, ak tak berapa suka sangat ngn novel yg plot dia clicheé teramat sgt. nak tau pasaipa? sbb cerita tu mmg jauh kebenor dari realiti semasa. it will NEVER ever occur in my life. so, bc novel mcm ni just for fun. nthgs there to ambik pengajaran. 

cause in my life, there will be no anak jutawan yg ttba nak buat lahwin kontrak ngn ak, or my first love yg dah lama tak contact tetiba datang masuk meminang, or a rich man yg duda anak satu sanggup byr duit kat alu just to pretend to be his wife and mother to his daughter. newsflash, this aint reality. life aint like a novel. it just plain simple. 

New aiming. Dont lose hope! Dont lose confident!

Sometimes i wonder why and how a person can end up lock himself in room to study fr hours. skipping meals and breaks. i can never understand. let alone, doing it. to tell the truth, the idea of distinction never come to my mind. i dont really thrill to earn it. 

but ever since block 3, the idea of studying for better understanding was embeded in my mind. i become eager to know more. i want to understand things better. still, im lousy in my not-so-favourite subject which is biochemistry. full apologies to my dearest lecturers. huhu :(

let me tell you a secret of mine. hmm, actually, every single day after having the practical exam, part of me hoped to get called for viva and a part of me hope i wont. true, im not thrilled to get distinction. but it doesnt mean i dont want it. 

while some of u maybe wondering why part of me hope i wont get called, let me tell u a story that i never told anyone in details.

3days -to be precise- before the practical exam started, i went to kasturba hospital. apparently i had a small lump at the back of my neck. it had been there for minimum a month already. but lately, its getting painful. so, i decided to go and have a check. the first doc i meet concluded it (the lump) as either an enlarged lymph node or neurolymphomas (hope i spell it correctly). :) so, i was refered to the PG. (stands for post graduate) well, no such luck for me, his small room is full with 8 to 10 medic students, which i assume doing their practical at the kasturba hospital. probably get nagged or hearing his words of advice. 

okey..back to my story, the PG check me while i am in THE crowded room. he starts cracking some not-so-funny jokes. let me tell u, when u are suddenly asked anatomy question in a packed room fills with those who know the answer too well, u may easily get blank even if the question is as easy as abc. sure thing, that is exactly what occur to me. he asked me the boundaries of posterior triangles. seriesly, i can recite it even in my dreamy state. but, NO! i still have to face a period of total blankness there. huhh. my confident just fly off the window just like that. :(

see,thats the reason why i hope i wont get called for viva. cause im scared. call me a coward or anything. i know when im not fully ready. i just feels like im not up to that standard. 

i am honestly happy for my friends. for those who pass. those who earn one or two or three distinction in a row. yet, they are somehow a reminder for me. for my cowardness. for my failure to be confident of myself. 

now, i making a deal/promise at this moment to whoever reads this post...to really2 study and understand in my second year MBBS. to be confident in myself. i want to be a good doctor. better yet an excellent one. :)

ITS 2ND YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!

Guess what fella???? today is 13 june!!  its OUR 2nd year of anniversary. 2 complete years we know each other. n each day our bond become closer n closer. yea.. lps habis pbl pagi tadi, pakat wish semua org psl this anniversary. siap kiss and hugs lagi... muah muah muah... hahaha. hepi anniversary uolls. :)

honestly, hup till today, im still amazed on the closeness we can be. macam mana kita semua sama2 harungi saat di msu, saat nak exam IELTS, AS dan A2... masa sebelum fly n etc. macam2 halangan yg sama2 hadapi.... ada jugak cubaan masa kat msu... dengan kes bendaharinya ( ehem.. ehem.. sapa ek, bendahari tu :p ) hahha. bila pk blik, we all dah macam masuk pertandingan lari beribu2 meter berpagar ja. sbb byk sgt halangan dia.  tp semua tu kenangan silam yang berbagai rasa. manis, masam, pahit, masin... semua adaa. yes, its true tht we need to take pengajaran of what happenED to face what WILL happen. so, amik lah pengajarannya, yee... apa yg dah berlaku shaped us today, isn't it. :)

i admit, we are close but sometimes i do feel like we are pretending to be close. i repeat again, sometimes ONLY! not all the times. sbb when we all are in one same place, we can talk / laugh/ crack some jokes leisurely.... but there are times where our 'closeness' are tested. tested to know how much we know bout each other. how much we really care for each other. sbb all those thgs yg da berlaku, ada yang menjadi rapat dan ada yang ...... hmm. rsanya, semua org blh make out apa yg hndak diberitahu kan?? in dis entry, im not pointing out anyone's fault or wrong doing. we are a matured boys and girls, we should know what to do and what not to do. sbb semua org tau about a saying; united we strong, separated, we fall....

Anyway, today is a refreshing day to reminisce our memories together. May whatever things will happen in the future will bring us closer and stronger. Semoga perjalanan kita dan persahabatan kita diredhai dan diberkati ALLAH. Amin. :)

Recap of oldies pics that i have in my lappy :-

Masa kuiz kenegaraan

snap wth dr wira

on the last day of exam

gambar masa dinner :3

a snap just before leaving to BTN

FRIM!!!!

yummy, mkn sma2 

sambutan raya ngn k.akma

sebenarnya kan, bila tengok gambar lama, rasa mcm dah mcm2 bnda yg kita hadapi. jatuh bangun dalam erti sebuah persahabatan dan kehidupan. Afi sendiri mengaku afi mengalami masa kejatuhan yg kritikal sepanjang tempohh masa 2 tahun ini tapi, bila tgk gmbar2 ni semua, rsa sangat hepi dan bersyukur sgt2 sbb dikurniakan sahabat2 yg memahami. :) i love you all. this is my saying deep from my heart. <3

Cemburu

Aku sangat cemburu. cemburu apabila dua insan bermesra di bawah payung persahabatan kerana Allah. Saat melihat dua sahabat yang akrab yang saling memahami dan melengkapi. Terdetik perasaaan cemburu. Perasaan ingin memiliki. Untuk mempunyai seseorang yang akan mendengar dan sentiasa di sisi. Untuk memiliki sahabat yang mempunyai sixth sense. Yang dapat mengesan kesedihan hatiku ini biarpun aku cuba untuk menyelebungi kesedihan itu. Di saat aku cuba menahan esak tangisku, datang seorang sahabat yang akan menggengam tanganku untuk bersama aku.  Untuk memiliki sahabat yang akan menggengam tanganku dengan erat saat aku mula tremor sehingga perasaan itu hilang.

Sungguh sukar untuk aku mencari teman sebegitu. Bukan kerana kawan sekelilingku tidak baik. Bukan...jauh sekali. Teman2 sekelilingku sangat baik. Tetapi aku tidak pernah terasa untuk meluahkan segalanya kepada mereka. Aku rapat tetapi aku tidak akrab dengan mereka....

Iya, aku sangat komplikated. Aku lebih mudah untuk mendiamkan sesuatu dan menangis sehingga tidur daripada meluahkanya. Aku lebih suka menguruskan sesuatu dengan sendiri. Aku lebih suka bergerak bersendirian.... Tapi ini tidak bermakna aku seorang loner. Tidakk sekali. Kerana aku tahu aku sentiasa ada rakan2 ku di saat aku memerlukan mereka. Cuma membezakannya ialah kesediaan aku untuk membuka mulut dan meluahkan isi hati.

Saat aku sedih atau di saat aku tension dengan pelajaran, aku akan terus telefon mama.... walaupun sekadar bercakap sepatah dua, aku sudah puas hati. :) Walaupun aku tidak dapat berbicara panjang tentang kerisauanku, aku tetap puas hati....Ibarat mendengar suara kekasih hati yang sudah lama tidak bertemu mata. :')

Tetapi di saat aku berasa keseorangan, memerlukan bantuan dan harapan, aku lebih gemar memejamkan mata dan memikirkan DIA. Kerana aku tahu aku tidak akan keseorangan kerana adanya DIA. Saat aku berasa diriku tidak lengkap tanpa teman, aku akan berpaling kepada Allah. Kerana aku tahu aku mampu menghadapi segalanya dengan adanya dia. Aku tidak perlu cemburu atau berasa keseorangan. Sampainya masa nanti, aku akan mempunyai teman yang aku mampu meluahkan segalanya. Teman kerana Allah.

Biggest regret

Senyum dalam duka. Ketawa dalam tangisan.. Pernah tak anda alami situasi tu? Pernah tak rasa sangat sesak. Terlalu banyak benda yang berlaku. Terlalu banyak benda nak dihadam. Yang kalau boleh, anda rasa macam nak putar balik masa. Nak ubah balik apa yang pernah terjadi. But very sadly its all just a wish. Because you know, you never have that superpower to change back times. :'(

It have been seven days. Yet i still dont know how to deal with it. Betul la apa yang orang cakap. Terlajak perahu boleh undur tapi terlajak kata, buruk padahnya. Here i am crying like a lunatic in my room alone. Like a complete idiot!

Taqlid buta....Jauhilah.

Heyaa semuaaa. Opppss. hehe. Asalamualaikum dan selamat pagi, petang atau malam (bergantung pada masa anda baca entry ini. haha). Sebab da lama sgt tak menaip, rsa awkward pulak ye. Anyhow, nak cerita pasal satu perbualan yang sya pernah terdengar between 2 guys yg sya knal msa BTN dlu? BTN??!! lamanyaa... knpa bru nk upload? hoho. sbnarnya, msa tgh borink2, almaklumlah, cuti kann...hehe.. afi tringatkan si acap ni. nama penuhnya Ashraf Omar. acap ni sekolah dia dekat ngn rumah kat Baling, Kedah. Dia byk tlg afi cari kwn sepermainan dulu. Baik orangnya.  hehe.

Berbalik kepada perbualan si acap dan lagi seorang lelaki ni. watak yg kedua ni chinese guy. tapii. sy...er..trlpa nma dia lah. soriiii sgt3.. jadi, sehingga saya dapat mr'recall' nama Mr Chinese guy ni, lets call him Mr C. Masa perbualan ni, kami ada di dewan makan. Tengah lunch. Mr C ada depan saya dan acap sebelah Mr C.

Mr C: Kenapa awak makan pkai tangan? tak pkai sudu eh?
Acap Omar : Sebab ada kajian yang cakap bila makan pkai tangan, dia ada sejenis enzim yang akan bantu pencernaan
Mr C : Yakah?? *dengan muka dan nada suara tak percaya* klo macam tu, sy nk cuba makan pkai tangan je lah hari ni.

Hmm, pendek ja potongan perbualan ni.Tujuan entry ni bukanlah nak memperkenalkan jejaka2 hensem 2 org nih. Atau pun menceritakan peristiwa di BTN. Tapi saya nak tanya readers semua... ada tak anda pernah terfikir kenapa kita buat sesuatu benda tersebut. Contohnya, kenapa kita makan menggunakan tangan? Kenapa tak pkai sudu? Atau Chopstick? Kenapa bila nak makan/minum kita kna duduk? Tak boleh berdiri ka?

Kalo ditanya pada budak2 (di bawah umur 12 tahun), msti jawapan mereka...
*sebab mak bapak suruh
*tah tahu. cuma ikut apa orang keliling buat
*sebab nabi suruh (utk soalan psl mkn/minum berdiri)

Readers pulak?? macam mana dengan jawapan readers semua? Kenapa eh? Hmmmm... Jom, kita duduk sejenak dan berfikir.



Afi harap jawapan readers bukan lah "entah", "tak tahu", "tak pernah terfikir pun". Sebab afi yakin dan afi tahu readers adalah orang intelek yang mampu berfikir secara kreatif, kritis dan matang. (cewahh, ayat gempak. hahaha).

Pernah tak dengar istilah taqlid buta? Mungkin ada yang pernah tapi dah tak ingat pasal istilah ni. Istilah ini dr segi agama Islam. Kalau afi tak silap, istilah ini ada disentuh dalam subjek pendidikan Islam. Cuma, afi tak pasti sama ada di Tingkatan 4 atau 5. Dalam bahagian tokoh2. :) Secara simplenya, taqlid buta ni bermaksud mengikuti sesuatu secara membuta tuli. Tanpa mengambil kira fakta atau auta.  Mungkin readers boleh google untuk tahu lebih banyak pasal istilah taqlid buta.

Orang yang mengikut sesuatu benda tanpa mengetahui sesuatu sebab atau tujuan itu diibaratkan taqlid buta. Tapi readers semua bukan jenis ni kann? Masing2 tahu diri masing2. Kalo ye, jom kita ubah. Sebab its better late than never. Its not wrong to not know but its wrong to not want to know.

Afi pun ada nak share sepotong ayat al-Quran yang bersesuaian dengan taqlid buta ni.

"Dan janganlah kamu mengikut sesuatu yang kamu tidak ketahui kerana Sesungguhnya pendengaran kamu, penglihatan kamu dan hati kamu semuanya akan ditanya dan dipersoalkan." (Surah Al-Isra : 36). 

Entry kali ini, tidak lah panjang mana. Sekadar coretan tentang apa yang afi fikirkan. Jika readers rasa apa yang afi tulis ini baik, amalkan. Jika tidak, lupakan. Tiada kurangnya pada diri Afi. Cuma harapan afi, readers dapat rasa apa yang afi rasa ketika afi dengar perbualan di atas. Perasaan seperti banyak lagi yang tidak kita ketahui. banyak yang perlu dipelajari. Pentingnya kita mengetahui sesuatu bnda itu. Jangan sekadar mengikuti....Jangan sekadar menjadi stereotype masyarakat. 

Semoga berjumpa lagi di entry seterusnya. Assalamualaikum. :)

Tahun baru. Azam baru

Saya nak kurus! Saya nak berhenti merokok! Saya nak berjaya dalam pelajaran! Saya nak jadi anak yang soleh / solehah! Saya nak jadi baik! 

Tiap2 tahun macam tu lah azam2 orang sekarang ni.  Ada juga yang azamnya sudah melangkah ke hadapan. Almaklumlah, hidup dah berkeluarga. Ada yang ingin menjadi suami mithali. Ada yang berazam bagi menjadi ibu bapa yang terbaik untuk anak-anaknya. Tak kurang juga azam nak cari calon isteri kedua. =.=

Tiap2 tahun, kita memperbaharui azam kita. Iye. Tahun baru. Azam pun baru. Tapi tak kurang juga yang hanya ‘renew’ azam tahun lepas kerana tak dapat nak menunaikannya.  Tak kisah la. Sama ada  kita cuma renew azam tahun lepas atau pun kita mempunyai azam baru. Yang penting kita cuba, eh eh bukan cuba, tapi kita kena betul2 berusaha untuk merealisasikan azam tersebut.

Afi nak share satu nasihat yang afi dengar di radio ikim dua hari lepas. Pasal azam. Dan macam mana kita nak pastikan kita ada progress dalam proses kita nak merealisasikan azam kita. Mungkin bagi sesetengah orang akan cakap “Alah, azam tahun baru. Cliché gila..” “Amboi, nak jadi orang baik la, dengar nasihat sikit nak share kat blog. Gaya bajet jaa..” Tak kisah la apa yang terdetik di hati pembaca blog saya ni. Yang penting niat saya nak share. Kalau ada manfaatnya, ambil lah. Saya tak untung atau rugi sesen pun J

Untuk berazam, yang pertama kita kena pastikan azam kita tu ada ukuran tersendiri. Tanpa kayu pengukur, macam mana kita nak tahu pencapaian kita. Betul tak? Untuk dapat ukuran itu, kita kena tengok balik azam kita.  Spesifikasi kan azam kita balik kalau perlu.

Senario pertama, saya nak jadi baik! Okey, baik itu apa ukurannya? Kecilkan skop anda. Nak jadi baik dengan cara jaga solat, contohnya. Okey, macam mana nak jaga solat? Pastikan solat cukup 5 waktu? Belajar memahami bacaan dalam solat? Solat pada awal waktu? Jika diperhati, untuk menjadi baik itu luas skopnya. Kecilkan. Lebih mudah kita nak capai azam kita dengan cara mengecilkan skop kita.

Senario kedua, saya nak berjaya dalam pelajaran! Apa ukuran berjaya dalam pelajaran? Nak dapat 5A dalam UPSR? Nak dapat 8A dalam PMR? Tempat pertama dalam setiap ujian/peperiksaan? Hmm, apa kata kita kecilkan lagi skop ni. Contohnya, setiap ujian, kena dapat markah minima yang tertentu. (contohnya 75 ke atas) Macam mana nak dapat markah minima ini? Ha! Kena tahu juga topik mana yang nak kena fahami betul2.  Formula mana yang perlu diingati. Berapa banyak latih tubi kena buat sehari? Berapa jam masa yang kena peruntukan untuk study?

Senario ketiga, tentunya paling common among girls, saya nak kurus! Kurus macam mana tu? Berapa saiz baju yang jadi idaman? Berapa kilo nak diturunkan? Aktiviti apa yang dirancang untuk kuruskan badan? Contonya, jogging 30 minit setiap petang di taman rekreasi. Pergi gym 2 jam setiap minggu. Kuantiti makan kena kurangkan banyak mana? Apa menu makanan setiap hari?

Setiap azam yang kita buat, kena kecilkan. Bagi mudah nak ukur. Azam yang umum dan tidak spesifik lebih cenderung untuk gagal dilaksanakan. Mungkin sebab azam itu kedengaran terlalu susah nak dibuat, akhirnya terus dilupakan azam tu.

Bila dah ada azam yang ada ukuran, kita kena ada tempoh masa. Penting sangat ke tempoh masa ni? Tentulah penting. Bayangkan jika kita berazam untuk kuruskan badan, tapi sebab taka da tempoh masa, kita akan buat sambil lewa saja. Buat bena tak bena. Iye lah… masa kan masih panjang. Esok ada lagi. Last2, tahun depan, ‘renew’ lagi azam yang sama. Sebab tu lah kena ada tempoh masa. Saya berazam nak turun 5 kilo dalam masa dua bulan! Saya berazam nak solat awal waktu tak pernah miss dalam masa sebulan! Saya nak ‘master’ topik vector dalam Add maths dalam masa 3 minggu! Bila dah ada had masa, kita tak akan tertangguh. Tapi kena make sure masa tu relevan la. Tak kan la nak kuruskan 5 kilo dalam maa sehari? Kena la relevan pada kemampuan diri sendiri.  

Dah berazam? Dah spesifikkan azam? Dah letak had tempoh masa? Sudah. Sudah dan sudah. Sekarang ni, kita kena selalu pantau. Letak dalam diary. Tak pun buat alarm dalam telefon tu. Tiap2 dua bulan ka, ukur balik pencapaian kita. Muhasabah balik. Berjaya ke tak. Kalau berjaya, Alhamdulilah. Teruskan usaha. Dan jika mampu, lipat gandakan usaha anda untuk dapat yang lebih baik. Kalau belum berjaya, jangan sedih. Jangan bakar planner yang tertulis azam anda pulak. Selalunya, jika tak berjaya, mesti ada sesuatu kekurangan dalam perancangan kita tu. No one is planning to fail. But those who fail to plan are actually planning to fail. Tengok balik mana kekurangan tu. Ubah lah. Tetapi jangan sesekali putus harapan.

"….dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesunnguhnya yang berputus asa dari rahmat Allah, hanyalah orang-orang yang kafir." (Surah Yusuf Ayat 87)

"Dia (Ibrahim) berkata, “Tidak ada yang berputus asa dari rahmat Tuhannya, kecuali orang yang sesat."(Surah Al-Hijr Ayat 56)

Untuk berjaya dalam apa jua destinasi kita, kita kena sentiasa ada dinding. Mendaki tangga yang tidak disandarkan kepada dinding hanya akan membuat kita jatuh. Dan kejatuhan kita itu akan lebih perit dan sakit. Eh, dinding apa yang afi maksudkan ni? Dinding ini merujuk kepada agama. Hal ini kerana ramai orang yang berjaya mendaki tangga sehingga puncak, tetapi lepas tu baru sedar tangga itu tidak disandarkan kepada dinding yang kukuh. Yang utuh. Dan akhirnya mereka jatuh. Jatuh ke tempat yang lebih rendah dari permulaan tadi. So, jangan lupa agama sepanjang hidup kita. Islam itu Addin. Islam itu cara hidup. 

Rasanya, sampai sini dahulu entry blog kali ni, afi sekadar berniat untuk berkongsi ilmu yang diperoleh. Boleh la berkongsi manfaat bersama2. J Majukanlah diri anda untuk agama, bangsa dan negara. Hmm, dah penat2 baca ni, jangan lupa nak tinggalkan pesan / komen, ye. Mana tahu ada apa2 untuk diperbetulkan. Semoga berjumpa lagi pada entry seterusnya. Assalamualaikum wbt 

A Tour around Alor Setar

23 Disember 2012

Hari ni mak su datang, yeay! First time mak su naik Kedah. Ayah mak su ada kerja kat Jitra. Jadi mak su pun datang la sekali. Lagi pun pak su kat Iraq sekarang ni. Outstation. Dah almost 2 bulan dah. Haish, engineer mmg cm ni kan? Pak ngah pun sama gak. Hari tu pak ngah outstation sebulan lebih. Kat Ireland, kalo tak silap. Pak su tu baru bina kerjaya, banyak sikit kerjanya. Tahun lepas pun pak su beraya kat pelantar minyak. HAHAHA. Sian pak su. Kesian jugak mak su sebab dapat hubby yang workaholic.

Back to our hangout with mak su and her mother. We all plan nak gi menara alor setar, rumah kelahiran Tun Dr Mahathir n Pekan Rabu. Tapi, adik kepada mak mak su (berbelit dak? Haha) meninggal pagi tu. So, berkejaran lah jugak pergi Shahab Perdana nak beli tiket balik Johor. Tanya dok tanya sana sini, tak dak gak. Iya lah, tenggah cuti la katakana. Penuh lah tiket bas tu. Sampai kol ke MAS nak tanya psl tiket. Tapi kalo blh, nenek (refer kepada mak mak su ye) tak nak naik flight, ye lah, susah nanti orang nak dating menjemput. Kalo naik bas tu, dekat sikit. Katanyanya stesen bas dekat ngn rumah nak dituju. Luckily, ada satu rejected ticket ke Johor tp pkol 10.30 mlm nnt la.

Satu benda yang paling aku respek ngan keluarga mak su ni, dorang memang ikut cakap suami. Nenek telefon Atok (ayah mak su) tanya patut tak balik. Mintak kebenaran dlu. Nenek siap cakap, dia sanggup tak blik kalo nyusahkan suaminya nanti. Tapi atok sruh blik jgk. Iyelah, takkan tak blik ble adik meninggal. Nanti apalah kata orang2 kampung. Banyak bgusnya nenek blik johor ni. Saya tanya mak su, mak su tak balik ke. Mak su kata mak su tak Tanya pak su lagi. Lagi pun, susah nak naik bas ngan Husna ni.

tour tmpat2 yang dah di’plan’kan tu…amboi teruknya bahasa. Lepas jln2 ke kawasan yang dirancangkan, bawalah mak su dan nenek ke rumah. Macam2 benda yang disembangkan. Sebenarnya, mak su dan pak su are my most favourite uncle and aunties ever. They are like the Addin and Benz in AaBb. My idola. My role model. Dan saya senang berbicara dgn mereka.

Hmm, mostly topic kami ni pasal kisah cikgu. Dan saya yakin semua orang yang merupakan anak cikgu rata2 akan setuju dengan apa yang kami bicarakan. Mungkin dalam next entry…or next next entry saya akan cakap pasal kisah guru…. Hmm. Depends on mood and time. And place also. Mana lah tahu. Tetibe bilik saya takda elektrik macam semalam. L

Hmm, dah bawak mak su gi makan laksa teluk kechai. Dekat area kuala kedah. Sedap tauuu. Murah lagi. Kalau org KL datang, mesti excited pasal harga laksa ni. Mak su pun dah cuba nasi lemak royale dekat area anak bukit. Itu pun not bad. Antara tempat makan yang saya akan rekemenkan kepada pengunjung yang datang ke Alor Setar.

#Asyraf ada cakap, posting what happen on that day makes the blog appear as diary. But for me, I post what happen that day that can give me nasihat dan renungan. Sebab sometimes we just have to stand still and take a step back to look around you. Then you start to realise that even the smallest thing in our daily life can teach us a very big lesson.

That’s all for now. Salam sayang dari afi. Peacee. 

Minat.Kerja.

Bekerja dengan benda yang kita suka versus bekerja dengan benda yang kita tak suka! Atau dengan bahasa yang lagi senang, kerja yang kita minat versus kerja yang kita tak minat. Hmm, topic ni agak ke ‘future’ utk budak lepasan PMR dan SPM. Tapi kalau nak diikutkan, planning for the future start early. You don’t wait until you already outside then you plan. Start when you are in the doorstep! Better yet before.  Itu yang afi sbg kakak yang mithali la sgt ni selalu cakap kat farhan n sepupu afi yang lain. If ada sepupu yang datang tanya nasihat, I’m more than happy to help them. J

People say, for a long term, you wont find happiness if you are forcing yourself -either you realise it or not- to work in the field you are now standing in. You will slowly, yes very slowly become empty.  Closer to feel the emptiness in your heart yet your very own soul. However once you put interest in it, you will start to enjoy the life that comes with the carrier. Yes, life! You will enjoy it all. Tapi macam mana dengan minat? Macam mana nak develop? Tak susah. For me, its a bit of here and there. You can. Just need a bit of effort and a little push.

Okey, back to the versus issue. Minat. Since small, I always look up upon the doctor carrier. Even when I was told that the carrier is not worth it. Even when my uncle i adore very much against my choice. But I still want it. Though, truth to be told, I did consider being an accountant and lecturer when I'm in form 5, but later I rejected it.  Hmm, mungkin sebab abah pernah ada issue slip disk yang buat afi nak menyarung kot putih dan stetoskop di leher saya.  Or maybe I never had any desire to other carrier. Or maybe it’s all due to hand of fate. Iyelah, kalau saya teruskan jugak dengan kerja accountant tu, tak dapatlah nk jumpa ngn si dia. tak dapat berjumpa 25 ragam manusia yang unik. so, Alhamdulilah. Bersyukurlah dengan apa yang diperoleh. 

Masa mak cik ajak kerja sambilan mengajar subjek biology, memang la ada terlintas nak cakap “ya, saya nak” tapi last2 afi tolak jugak. Iye lah, with only SPM qualification and AS result, mampu ka afi? Afi tak nak lah tutor orang ke arah yang salah. My ‘students’ tu mestilah someone like Azfar yang eager to know more than text book. Yang nak tahu semua, x kisah la dari sekecil2 atom sampai lah ke sebesar2 alam. Ilmu afi tak cukup banyak lagi. Afi perlu timba banyak ilmu lagi. Takpa lah, afi rasa afi lagi layak jaga Abdullah ‘twelve’. Mungkin ada yang anggap afi tak reti nak ambil peluang, tapi afi yakin ini yang terbaik. InsyaAllah. J

This could be me. Why not?

P/s: tlg doakan afi ye. Afi nak kerja kat rumah anak yatim kat area masjid al-bukhary. dpt tlg jd tutor pun takpelah. harap dipermudahkan cara. :)