..result...O...result..

Alhamdulilah.. Finally the AS result and IELTS result are out!HAHA.  I can still remember the sleepless nights and the tiring days that we had to endure together. I can still remember doing maths at 3 am and go to class at 8 am after a few hours of sleep only. Well, I can say for sure that it paid us off really well. All of us  have passed our requirements by the JPA. We had proven ourselves in these tests. yeay!! 

Well, for me, I am very grateful with my band 7.5 and 3A's and 1B I got. I can never asked for more. Honestly speaking, I am kinda sensitive with the results of any test that i took. even if it just some stupid quizzes. why? well, there is a story behind it anyway. besides that i always take tests, quizzes and competition too seriously. ( firdaus had once said this to me. he said that i can take small things too seriously and ignore the big point of the event. haha. i'm sorry but it seems that i haven't changed a bit in this particular habit )

I always thought that I have to prove myself in order to get his attention. And i try my best to prove it through exams especially the major one such as UPSR, PMR, SPM and A-LEVEL. and honestly speaking a B in my AS result is a small heart breaking for me. yes, its true i cry because I am happy. but i do feel a bit of sad as all my housemate got straight A's. but, above all, i was thinking about him. i feel like i had failed myself. 

Okey, lets not talk about this failing part. lets talk about future now. lets talk about A2 and my preparations for that. Hmm... I'm striving myself harder for A2 and I am targeting to fly to India with all my classmate. And I am still not giving up with my aim  proving myself. Even if i know its pointless. but hey, if this makes me feel better, then i should go for it right. 

well, guess this is all for now. for those who read this, hope you enjoy yourself. :) you may agree or disagree with me. or you may have a completely different opinion. well, Im not saying I am right and you are wrong or vice versa. but, we have different points of view in life and what i wrote in my blog is what i actually feel and think. minna, see you soon... ;)

to tell or not to tell

Some may say im asking the stupidest question. some will say Im asking something that is obvious. but let me assure you that it wont bug me this worse if not because i think its just some holy shit of crap. seriesly!

I am not from a split family. HELL NO!! It just that we are not that close. and yes, i try. I DID try to work things out. but i guess, when you wore your ego as a crown on top of your head, it wont help that much. it just make things twice or maybe a dozen more difficult.

it hurts when your friends can have a phone calls from your family at least once a day or more when you had none. its painful when you hold up phone to call them, and your first thought are "are they busy?" or " am i going to disturb them?" or "can i call them now? or later?"

it eyes watering when i listen to someone's conversation with their beloved family. i can hear them talking bout random things like the food they ate just now. the activities they do in the evening. or even the topics they study at class today. sometimes when the people next to me got a call from his or her family, i'll just turn my back and flee.

its a heart-stabbing experience when people points out to you that you aren't close to your parents. or when people said that the way i talk to my elder brother like he is a same-aged friend. like i have no respect for him as my abang. or was it twice hurt when the one who said it was from the one that IS important to me? im clueless now.

Like i used to say before this, beggars cant be picky. well, i AM a begger right now. Im begging for our reunion again. and im trying my best outfit to make things right. i try to keep a steady step but yet its too slow. sometimes i doubt myself. can i make it? do i have the capability? if i do, how am i going to do it?

my tremor was the worst thing that ever happen to my life. but out of it, it bind us together. i once thought that I'm over it already. i even stop myself from those medications. well, i don't want to be dependent on meds at age of 19. but somehow, it strikes back. harder this time. to make thing worse, i find myself more vulnerable than before. one small push and ill be kneeling with despair. (P/s: Im keeping this secret from most of ppl esp my family. i mean about it become worst part thingy things)

sometimes, i thought that there is no point of hiding when people notice my pale face. yess i am pale. coz im tired and i dont feel so well.and sometimes i stuck up my brain with lots of things till it become too disorder. huh. puas hati?! finally i admit it out loud!

no love

Staring out into the world across the streetYou hate the way your life turned out to beHe's pulling up in the driveway and you don't make a sound'Cause you always learned to hold the things you wanna sayYou're always gonna be afraid  There's only hate, there's only tearsThere's only pain, there is no love hereSo what will you do?
There's only lies, there's only fearsThere's only pain, there is no love here
Broken down like a mirror smashed to piecesYou learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smileIf these walls could talk they would have so much to say'Cause every time you fight the scars are gonna healBut they're never gonna go away
You're falling, you're screamingYou're stuck in the same old nightmareHe's lying, you're crying, there's nothing left to salvageKick the door 'cause this is over, get me out of hereKick the door
There's only lies, there's only fearsThere's only pain, there is no love hereTell me what will you do?
There's only hate, there's only tearsThere's only pain, there is no love here

I don’t know if it just me or this is exactly you have been doing all this time. Ignoring me ey?? Is it? Before this, I always wondering  what is MY fault…did I hurt u? physically? emotionally? What I did wrong? I ransacked my brain and even my past memories. Who knows if I DID something wrong TOWARD you. but none!! I found none. And I want to ask u. wht is the problem now?? is it ME or YOU the one that have the problem?!

How long are you going to do it? This stupid idiotic ignoring phase.. are we gonna be like this forever? Or do u still need time to do whatever bullshit you still want to do. I hate it you know. I fucking hate it. Whenever  I laughed for some cracked silly jokes that I heard, I suddenly thought of you. And all moments we had together lingering in my mind. My laugh died just like that!! I feel lost. I hate myself for this sudden feelings. And I hate you more for making me feel it.

At first, I put all the blame on me. I even create some stupid silly reasons so that the fault is always on me. But now?? I can’t think of any. I hate u. You have been acting like a total stupid bitch! I tried, u know.  I even beg for the forgiveness for something that I don’t even know I did. Pushing everything aside, I put myself so low and yet you still with your idiotness in your head. Fucking shit!! I feel like taking a sword and run towards you everytime I thought of this.

If your silent is the way you show you don’t like what I do or how I act in public or anything, then you are the biggest asshole I met in my life. You such a coward person who are so ***** until  you do it this way. You such a goner!!! If I did wrong, you should have confront me! Make me understand. Not making the biggest and silliest puzzle in my life! Damn you!! I hate you sooo much till I can even let out my anger without much difficulty. You are the biggest goner wearing a crown full of idiotness and egoness and shit on top of your silly head that I ever met in my life

Huh, guess I should congratulate you. Well done! You really did manage it. Should I buy the biggest bouquet of flower ever exist in this world for u? thanks  for the tears and your indirectly method of smashing my pride to the lowest level of the earth! 

just some silly story

semalam pi klinik sorang2...well, mcm besa ah. bagi ic kt kaunter pendaftaran bla3x. pastu, si kerani aka penyambut tetamu klinik nih bagi ak no giliran n soh ak dok. kalih je badan...mak aih....byk nya krusi kosong. boleh baring buat katil lgih. hehe. ak amek tmpt plg ujong skali. bak kata tok, mcm tmpt kt ujong dunia ja. punya la ak tggu, sampai nek boring...ak men game dlm fon ak. dr game unblock smpai ke swipe sampai ke angry bird ak men...huhu. ada sorg dua bdak nih main men ngn ak. comel ja depa.. rsa cm nk kidnap bwk blik ja. parents depa pun sporting. :)

akhirnya, nombor ak kna panggil gak. masuk bilik dua. bkak ja pintu....perghhh. awat doktot kat kedah ni hensem gla? haha. mla ah snyum smpi nk koyak pipi. <-- exaggerate jaa. hahaha. okey la kan. berbaloi la ak  mlanggut kat luaq tu macam hapa ja lagih. 

doktot ni tnya la soklan beretika dya...umoq bopa. bljaq kat mana. sakit tang mana. boleh doktot ni ckp ak sakit lutut macam org 91 taun pnya sakit, bkn 19 taun??? cempuk kang. tapi pnya la gabra doktot muda sorg nih, smpai terjatuh dy pnya botol ayaq. gelak sakan lah kami dua. kekeke. 

pastu si doktot tu tnya ak dok kat mana. ak pon cta ah dgn terperinci skali. kot la nk masok meminang. snang sikit nk carik jln, kan...cewah. menggatal ja ak nih. mengegeyh lak. :P doktot tu ckp. awat ak cakap tak sergopa orang kedah? aikk. pnya pelat ak ckp ngn dy, dy ckp tak cukup pelat lagih? nk cocentrated tergha mana lagi doktot oihh. 

part plg klaka bla dy tnya ak abang org mana...ak dgn penuh kenaifan dan ke-innoncent-an nya jwb la orghang kedah. ya lah. tak kan la abg ak org kelate kott... skali doktot tu ckp... " laa. kalo abang oghang kedah gak, kna pekat la ckp kedah tu"... ( -.-") sumpah ak lampy tahap gaban. tahap hawaq pnya gaban. hare` aih doktot nih. ak sikit pnya muda rupa ak nih, hang bleh igt ak da kawin. cempuk sat gi kang.

lpaih tu, mla ah bkak cta psl bla ak kawen n sewaktu ngannya. ak dgn "senang hatinya" bercerita..kalo blh ngn mas kawen pun ak nk cita skalih. aishh. doktot ni lahh.. tapi, salah ak gak. yg dok gatai berinai tu ape kes...dah la siap pakai cincin lagih. suma org akan slh sangka. aishh. ak pon x paham. kat shah alam tak daknya nk bercincin tapi kat kedah ak pkai lak. 24 jam lagih tolak tyme tidoq n nk mandi n amek smayang ja. sbb sentimental value kah?? biaq lah rahsia. ;)

bla ak cta kat mak, mak gelak jah...mak ckp, lpaih nih kna carik kat kak orang kedah je lah. nk bg pekat skit loghat tuh.. haha. aish, mak...cam da calon jah.  tak dak angin tak dak ribut nih. mak da pelan di sebalik langsir ka mak??