trust. betrayal

"Trust. Betrayal. And I cant cope with this. The hurt."

a close friend of mine said this to me. we had a mini heart to heart discussion. and yes, i can see the hurt. glimmering in the eyes. god knows how this tear me up from the inside. and its all but damn truth anyway. Betrayal is the worst pain. duri dalam daging or anything you may call it.

Aha! moments

Aha moments?! ever heard of it? ever encounter it? okey, for a good start, let me ask you. what is aha moment? if you expect me to explain....then you completely WRONG!! I am damn tired right now and my headache just cant stop itself from knocking my small and beautifuly craved skull. hihihi. sorry to say, you just need to ask Mr Google by yourself then. 

everyone must have been familiar with aha moments. just not the terms. well, even Newton had his aha moments under the shady tree of apple tree. well, with the help of gravity and a ripe apple.eureka also have its own story behind the curtain. bla.bla.bla. anyway... i just wanna post a short post only. nothing much about the definition. but about the feeling you had during this Aha moment and the consequences you face. well, to talk about this, i need to give my example. the real example from my life itself... ergh, i rlly dont like to open up especially about my life.

 

MY AHA MOMENTSS... yup. if you notice my extra 's' at the word moment. well, it indicate that i have many ( >1 ) moments in my almost 19 years of life. hmm, which aha moments i wanna talk about? what if i let you choose..? emm, nehi! never! its my blog. and it is well aware that its my full option. :D well, lets talk about the recent one....

As, some may know. i had a big issue. opps, correction. my housemate and i have a big issue. its partially settle now but as i say...its partially only. on our path to partially deal with this issue, i had a lot of aha moments. some of it really deeply touch my heart and soul.  I cried so many times ( cant believe i admit this out loud ). I throw away my  pride and engulf myself in the warm and comfort of people's hug.

i learnt a lot of useful and practical method to ease my burden. thanks to him. :) and i learn to push away the unpractical things from my mind when i don't need to think about it. and guess what?! i survived! and is a big accomplish already. though my parents still unaware. :(

crap. my short post has experience aha moment by itself. it had learnt how to extend itself!!  i think i shud stop typing rite now or this post will become a gigantic hellaluva post. bye for now! :)

awak happy kan? u feel like the burden is lifted or maybe it is because u can talk about random stuff with the one you didn't talk leisurely before. i can see it from your action. from the way you talk. awak, i am happy for  you.  seriesly am.  better yet, i search my heart and i found that i am sincerely happy for you. i really wish you can accomplish what you want and this will be the start of the end of your miserability... ergh. sound konfius rite. ;)

anyhow...some of you may ask me. why i post this? any significance?? well, its because i care. care enough to feel for you...n i care because i sayang u.

..result...O...result..

Alhamdulilah.. Finally the AS result and IELTS result are out!HAHA.  I can still remember the sleepless nights and the tiring days that we had to endure together. I can still remember doing maths at 3 am and go to class at 8 am after a few hours of sleep only. Well, I can say for sure that it paid us off really well. All of us  have passed our requirements by the JPA. We had proven ourselves in these tests. yeay!! 

Well, for me, I am very grateful with my band 7.5 and 3A's and 1B I got. I can never asked for more. Honestly speaking, I am kinda sensitive with the results of any test that i took. even if it just some stupid quizzes. why? well, there is a story behind it anyway. besides that i always take tests, quizzes and competition too seriously. ( firdaus had once said this to me. he said that i can take small things too seriously and ignore the big point of the event. haha. i'm sorry but it seems that i haven't changed a bit in this particular habit )

I always thought that I have to prove myself in order to get his attention. And i try my best to prove it through exams especially the major one such as UPSR, PMR, SPM and A-LEVEL. and honestly speaking a B in my AS result is a small heart breaking for me. yes, its true i cry because I am happy. but i do feel a bit of sad as all my housemate got straight A's. but, above all, i was thinking about him. i feel like i had failed myself. 

Okey, lets not talk about this failing part. lets talk about future now. lets talk about A2 and my preparations for that. Hmm... I'm striving myself harder for A2 and I am targeting to fly to India with all my classmate. And I am still not giving up with my aim  proving myself. Even if i know its pointless. but hey, if this makes me feel better, then i should go for it right. 

well, guess this is all for now. for those who read this, hope you enjoy yourself. :) you may agree or disagree with me. or you may have a completely different opinion. well, Im not saying I am right and you are wrong or vice versa. but, we have different points of view in life and what i wrote in my blog is what i actually feel and think. minna, see you soon... ;)

to tell or not to tell

Some may say im asking the stupidest question. some will say Im asking something that is obvious. but let me assure you that it wont bug me this worse if not because i think its just some holy shit of crap. seriesly!

I am not from a split family. HELL NO!! It just that we are not that close. and yes, i try. I DID try to work things out. but i guess, when you wore your ego as a crown on top of your head, it wont help that much. it just make things twice or maybe a dozen more difficult.

it hurts when your friends can have a phone calls from your family at least once a day or more when you had none. its painful when you hold up phone to call them, and your first thought are "are they busy?" or " am i going to disturb them?" or "can i call them now? or later?"

it eyes watering when i listen to someone's conversation with their beloved family. i can hear them talking bout random things like the food they ate just now. the activities they do in the evening. or even the topics they study at class today. sometimes when the people next to me got a call from his or her family, i'll just turn my back and flee.

its a heart-stabbing experience when people points out to you that you aren't close to your parents. or when people said that the way i talk to my elder brother like he is a same-aged friend. like i have no respect for him as my abang. or was it twice hurt when the one who said it was from the one that IS important to me? im clueless now.

Like i used to say before this, beggars cant be picky. well, i AM a begger right now. Im begging for our reunion again. and im trying my best outfit to make things right. i try to keep a steady step but yet its too slow. sometimes i doubt myself. can i make it? do i have the capability? if i do, how am i going to do it?

my tremor was the worst thing that ever happen to my life. but out of it, it bind us together. i once thought that I'm over it already. i even stop myself from those medications. well, i don't want to be dependent on meds at age of 19. but somehow, it strikes back. harder this time. to make thing worse, i find myself more vulnerable than before. one small push and ill be kneeling with despair. (P/s: Im keeping this secret from most of ppl esp my family. i mean about it become worst part thingy things)

sometimes, i thought that there is no point of hiding when people notice my pale face. yess i am pale. coz im tired and i dont feel so well.and sometimes i stuck up my brain with lots of things till it become too disorder. huh. puas hati?! finally i admit it out loud!