3 flights away

Waalaikumusalam ela,

You. Yes you. You are also one of the bestest things that happen to me. EVER!!

We did have our 'click' back in msu. Yess. I feel that too. Strongly. Its like we are two puzzles that just matched perfectly. We still do.

We both are a complete opposite. Like polar opposite
I like it hot. You like it cool. (Bajet suam2 kuku)
I like werewolf kind of story. You like sappy love story.
I like...no...i love to rant like ALL the times. You listened very well.
I like action movie but you have a strict list of movie you like.
And the list goes on and on and on.

Yet we do share things in common. (I copied the list you make)
Wattpad, Eating outside, hanging out together - wherever and whenever, shopping, gossiping, fan girling over bigbang and winner.. oh yeah,, the list does goes on and on.

Ela, i feel like at ease whenever im with you. Sometime, i will knock on your door. Using excuses like i want to lie down on your bed while surfing internet or i want to charge my phone... But actually, truthfully, i want to stay in same room with you. It feels awesome. You on your laptop and im playing with my phone feels natural. We dont have to talk all the time. But being there feels enough. Complete.

Ela, in these 4 years i want to say "im sorry" for all the things i burden you all this time.. With my constant whining... My anxiety... My eating behaviour. Ak mkn punya lah lama smpi ela pun dh start mkn lmbt... My condition yg slalu tremors and all... My never ending love story that you once said tht my love story is longer than any indon drama 😂😂 I want to say sorry for a lot of things and more. Anything i say or do that hurts you. Yg buat u terasa. Ak mohon maaf sgt2...

Ela,
I want to thank you for listening to my luahan perasaan.
For lending me your shoulder to cry on. For listening to anything and everything i rant about.
For staying with me everytime i want to eat sampai aku habis makan.
For tolerating with my eating behaviour. My picky eating.
Tq sbb sanggup datang kt ak masa ak nangis kol hang.
Tq sbb hg sanggup ponteng one day class sbb teman ak masuk hospital. Tq sbb sanggup ada dgn aku masa ak kna buat Lumbar Puncture wpun hg kena halau keluar dri treatment room. Hg langsung tak teragak2 utk ponteng kelas. 😭😭
Tq sbb hg selalu tolerate ak lepak dlm bilik hg lama2.
Tq sbb slalu ketuk pintu ak n tnya aku nk mkn apa utk hg order.
Tq sbb keep track with me on everything.
Abd for being there for the start till the end.

*crying*

Ela, getting separated with you feel damn hurt. Sbb we both now how sucks we are keeping track on long distance relationship. Despite having fb, ig, twitter, wassap...we both now that our friendship will have a change here and there. Cause we both sucks. Big time!!

Ela,
Despite my never ending rant to you. There are things that i hid from you. I never tell you before...that i wish...no..i want to fail my second year unis. Because i want to be with you. I even start my planning of failing exam.. but then, at the end of the study weeks, the reality hits me. Someone told me that im being idiotic. Sape aku utk ubah perancangan Allah. I feel like a slap in my face. Sumpah wehh, ak rasa down gila. I feel helpless. I was torn between my family and you. And at last, ak serahkn everything kt Allah. Because i know He is the best perancang. He knows everything. And when i did pass my second year, i cried. I cried for future. Im scared of future. I feel like Im at lossing end. And i start feeling empty.

Ela, selain dri pasal family, study, my heartbreaks.... I did talk about you to my consultant. I did told them how i was scared of leaving you. How it hurts me. How im scared of what will happen now.. how i dont know how to cope...

I realised that i am an independent girl but once i get dependent on one person, i get stuck! I have become very dependent to you. Ela dh jadi my escapism. In order to escape my anxiety, i selfishly used you all this time. I used you. I make you teman aku makan. I make you stay with me till i finish eating, I had used you.. and now, im alone. Literally and figuratively alone.

We are separated by thousands of kilometres. And im not ready. Gosh, im scared that i will succumb in my anxiety and i will starve to death.

To others, they might say im being overly exaggerated. And they will say i have them in Muar. But they are not you, ela... It just not the same.

Lepas ni, dah takde dah org nk teman aku makan. I need to do it myself, somehow. 😭😭 lepas ni dah takde dah org nk aku ajak lepak2 minum air kt kedai makan. Lepas ni dah takde dah org ak nk membebel pasal everything.

Gosh, Im missing you teribbly. Ela, i wish you all the best for your Unis. I want to meet you again in Muar in another 6 months.. see you in 6 months ela. Till then, im going miss you sooo damn much. Jgn lupe, slalu2 la bukak wassap tauu..

fall is it worth it? the stain?

B said aku perasan bagus. aku ni bajet baik. and probably others as well. *sigh*

i know, im the one who start the act. so, i should at least anticipate this. i should at least expect this to happen. sooner or later.

and aku x harap org utk memahami. because everything is a build-up emotion that i kept for long. and amazingly, the raw emotion has disappear. The remaining one are cold and numbness. 

biarlah apa org nak kata. aku fham situasi aku and k faham kenapa kau buat mcam tu. tapi kau cuma org luar yg berfikir pkai otak kau sja. x pikir perasaan dan intepretasi org lain. kau rasa tindakan kau betul. lain org lain cara. tindakan kau mungkin betul utk org lain tpi tidak untuk aku. 

LIFE - LOVE

life is ironic. it flows in a way we dont plan to. unexpected things happen. one move can change everything.

we cant help who we fall in love with. its even surprising when you found out that everything you want is not according to plan.

love come in the least expected place amd situation. you had two options. First one is accept it with open arms. Second one is you can let it go. Its YOUR CHOICE.

Live the life you want and love the way you live. 

Dear No One - Tori Kelly

Dear No One

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do
I like being by myself
Don't gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to...

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin', for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
Ooo-OhOh

I don't really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeah
But I'd love to have a soulmate
And God'll give him to me someday
And I know it'll be worth the wait, oh

So if your out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin' (But I'm done lookin'), for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one (Dear nobody) this is your love song (Ooo-Oooh)

Sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin' (I'm done lookin'), for my future someone (Ooo-Yeah)
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one (Dear Nobody) this is your love song (This is your love song)
Dear no one, no need to be searchin', no
Dear no one...
Dear no one...
Dear No one, this is your love song

CURSED

it just a piece of shit. a round of shit and curses that she put around her finger. but that piece of shit that she still keep till now symbolise my dumbness. symbolised her betrayal to me. her betrayal to me-her bestfriends. opps, pardon me, her EX-bestfriend!

i know... its years ago kinda things. but if she was sorry for what happen, she will at least TRY to understand MY feeling. have a heart to protect my feeling. if she was at least a decent friend, she would throw tht cursed thing away long time ago. not valued it as a friendship token! if she valued that as token of friendship, then she valued him more than me. its over!  DONE!

and here i am - assumed and thought about everything. huh, what can i do when every your action gave the same perception? the same idea. the same bullshit. 

i believe that action speaks louder than words. your action is enough to me already. no need to come and brag to me on all the good things you did. because words comes from the lying mouth. but your act, your deed... it comes from your heart and your mind. thats what i need. 

My relationship goal

I always wish for a family arranged marriage. Perhaps because my mom and dad are one. N my pk ngah n mk ngah. And also pk su n mk su.

Arranged marriage or marriage almost like that. (aka yg seangkatan dgnnya). It was pure. I feel like it is proper. Kena dgn fitrah. When a guy feel and know that he is ready. And he goes directly to wali and ask for her hand of marriage. It is a manly act! A prove that he is brave enough. It doesnt matter whether he knows her before that or not. But at same time, the girl should also make herself ready. It has to be two way. Not one way only.

My brother, he asked my mom to search a girl to be his wife. My mom asked for my aunt's help. And they did find one girl. And both my brother and the girl met in a cafe. For the first time! Never talk or msg-ing before that. Just see each other pictures. In one evening, both sits together face to face and talk. Asking bout each others' details - biodata bla bla bla. I was there. I kinda being a penganggu aka moderator. Well, we - the girl's friend and i are the moderatorS. But overall, with the teasing and asking questions and laugh - it was....... Unexplained feeling. Awkward. Sacred.

I kinda envy my brother and the girl (she is not to be named YET). Why i envy them? Maybe because i reallly wish i was in her shoes. Because i really love that. And i really want that....

U probably think, ehh afi ni nenggatal nk kahwin betul... Hahaha. Nope. Im not that desprate utk kwin. My heart currently are mending itself after being broken and smashed to pieces. Kalau ttbe ada org ketuk pintu rmh and berbalas pantun dgn mak abah nk merisik ak, sah sah ak tolak. I dont want to make anyone as a rebound. Nope! Never!

But.... What i really feel is..........I rlly apreciated the beauty of arranged marriage. The beauty of love AFTER marriage. Bila kita jaga pergaulan. Berkwin bukan sekadar nafsu... Now THAT is a wow!!

Amik cth my parents. Both x pnh kenal before kahwin. It was arranged marriage. And despite of kekurangan n kelemahan each other, they try to appreciate each other kebolehan n kelebihan. After all rintangan, they did it.

damsel-in-distress-to-be

i wore heels when im going back to malaysia. purpose? it give me extra height. and i can easily put my bags on overhead compartment without help. u might think im exagerating..but hey, im 35kg. coming from me, i think its huge enough, rite! 

but there is one time, the overhead compartment is verrry big. my bag goes wayyy down and i cant reach it.. so, i ask for help. thank god there is a guy sit beside me. my saviour...

and masa tu jgak..... terpikir. slama ni i am very independent. whenever possible, i will try my best not to ask for help. cause i feel such a failure if i do so... or i become a burden to others. i dont want to be a damsel-in-distress... and maybe because of that i become boring. easy. and maybe sbb tu lah, all this thing happen. 

and im tired...maybe lepas ni, no more tough girl 24/7..... sekali sekala nak jgk jd org yg memerlukan pertolongan. and probably a prince charming will come and save the day. if im lucky, the prince charming will stay. stay with me. and probably for forever. 

sooo, thats why for the title --> damsel-in-distress-to-be

a dilemma - a pass or a fail

dear jade,

   i was once betrayed. and you were there with me. i was at brink of tears and you offered me tissue. lots and lots of it. and when i did cry, you offered me a shoulder to cry for. when im at conflict, you tried to give the best advice you can. instead of forcing, you guide me. and for that im at most grateful. and you has become my jade. my one and only jade.

   jade, now we are at the verge of getting separated.... and me being so weak, i dont want to lose you. you are my only friend. i dont think i can do it without you. who will hear my rant? who else would offer me a shoulder to cry for? i dont think i can stand being the tough me without you. i cant.

   you may not know, jade, but i had decided to stay with you. because moving forward without you feels like trying to breath in water. its suffocating. it hurts. 

   but i know its wrong. its wrong to prepare myself for thing like that. it just wrong. i feel like im such a failure. instead of feeling happy, i feel like shit. im feeling so down. 

   jade, im getting confused each day. i dont know what i want anymore. to move forward and going to third year or to stay behind? i dont know what to do anymore.

   i feel empty. like there is a hollow in my heart. i keep thinking of the pro's and con's of each. but yet, im getting more confused. i cried myself to sleep thinking that i made a grave mistake. yet, i still think of staying. 

   jade, im scared jade. idk. i just dont know. whatever the result will be, im going to accept it. and hope fr the best for me and you. 

Love,

Me

caffeinated-pumped-zombie

pass or fail. its like having an academical life sentence...study days and nights...less sleep and eventually more caffeine pump inside our system. not to mention all those panic attack and teary moments when we felt down... i guess tht pretty sum up study break.... in one word, caffeinated-zombie! 

and its kinda quite normal having classmate post selfie pic with oversize eyebag or selfie with a sleepy eyes and straight smile... and somehow, seeing tht post, it feels like a mutual understanding between all. we all tired. tensed. and wish that this, what-ever-we-shud-called-this-super-tension-moments to be over and get over it soon. 

and a new routine had started. wake early morning, has pray, eat breakfast... then go library. lunch break plus pray, then library again. again dinner break plus pray.... then library again. then go bck home sleeping. and wake up tommorow early morning. the cycle start again.  seee... we became caffeinated-pumped-zombie. and its tiring. how i wish it ends soon.