New aiming. Dont lose hope! Dont lose confident!

Sometimes i wonder why and how a person can end up lock himself in room to study fr hours. skipping meals and breaks. i can never understand. let alone, doing it. to tell the truth, the idea of distinction never come to my mind. i dont really thrill to earn it. 

but ever since block 3, the idea of studying for better understanding was embeded in my mind. i become eager to know more. i want to understand things better. still, im lousy in my not-so-favourite subject which is biochemistry. full apologies to my dearest lecturers. huhu :(

let me tell you a secret of mine. hmm, actually, every single day after having the practical exam, part of me hoped to get called for viva and a part of me hope i wont. true, im not thrilled to get distinction. but it doesnt mean i dont want it. 

while some of u maybe wondering why part of me hope i wont get called, let me tell u a story that i never told anyone in details.

3days -to be precise- before the practical exam started, i went to kasturba hospital. apparently i had a small lump at the back of my neck. it had been there for minimum a month already. but lately, its getting painful. so, i decided to go and have a check. the first doc i meet concluded it (the lump) as either an enlarged lymph node or neurolymphomas (hope i spell it correctly). :) so, i was refered to the PG. (stands for post graduate) well, no such luck for me, his small room is full with 8 to 10 medic students, which i assume doing their practical at the kasturba hospital. probably get nagged or hearing his words of advice. 

okey..back to my story, the PG check me while i am in THE crowded room. he starts cracking some not-so-funny jokes. let me tell u, when u are suddenly asked anatomy question in a packed room fills with those who know the answer too well, u may easily get blank even if the question is as easy as abc. sure thing, that is exactly what occur to me. he asked me the boundaries of posterior triangles. seriesly, i can recite it even in my dreamy state. but, NO! i still have to face a period of total blankness there. huhh. my confident just fly off the window just like that. :(

see,thats the reason why i hope i wont get called for viva. cause im scared. call me a coward or anything. i know when im not fully ready. i just feels like im not up to that standard. 

i am honestly happy for my friends. for those who pass. those who earn one or two or three distinction in a row. yet, they are somehow a reminder for me. for my cowardness. for my failure to be confident of myself. 

now, i making a deal/promise at this moment to whoever reads this post...to really2 study and understand in my second year MBBS. to be confident in myself. i want to be a good doctor. better yet an excellent one. :)