CURSED

it just a piece of shit. a round of shit and curses that she put around her finger. but that piece of shit that she still keep till now symbolise my dumbness. symbolised her betrayal to me. her betrayal to me-her bestfriends. opps, pardon me, her EX-bestfriend!

i know... its years ago kinda things. but if she was sorry for what happen, she will at least TRY to understand MY feeling. have a heart to protect my feeling. if she was at least a decent friend, she would throw tht cursed thing away long time ago. not valued it as a friendship token! if she valued that as token of friendship, then she valued him more than me. its over!  DONE!

and here i am - assumed and thought about everything. huh, what can i do when every your action gave the same perception? the same idea. the same bullshit. 

i believe that action speaks louder than words. your action is enough to me already. no need to come and brag to me on all the good things you did. because words comes from the lying mouth. but your act, your deed... it comes from your heart and your mind. thats what i need. 

My relationship goal

I always wish for a family arranged marriage. Perhaps because my mom and dad are one. N my pk ngah n mk ngah. And also pk su n mk su.

Arranged marriage or marriage almost like that. (aka yg seangkatan dgnnya). It was pure. I feel like it is proper. Kena dgn fitrah. When a guy feel and know that he is ready. And he goes directly to wali and ask for her hand of marriage. It is a manly act! A prove that he is brave enough. It doesnt matter whether he knows her before that or not. But at same time, the girl should also make herself ready. It has to be two way. Not one way only.

My brother, he asked my mom to search a girl to be his wife. My mom asked for my aunt's help. And they did find one girl. And both my brother and the girl met in a cafe. For the first time! Never talk or msg-ing before that. Just see each other pictures. In one evening, both sits together face to face and talk. Asking bout each others' details - biodata bla bla bla. I was there. I kinda being a penganggu aka moderator. Well, we - the girl's friend and i are the moderatorS. But overall, with the teasing and asking questions and laugh - it was....... Unexplained feeling. Awkward. Sacred.

I kinda envy my brother and the girl (she is not to be named YET). Why i envy them? Maybe because i reallly wish i was in her shoes. Because i really love that. And i really want that....

U probably think, ehh afi ni nenggatal nk kahwin betul... Hahaha. Nope. Im not that desprate utk kwin. My heart currently are mending itself after being broken and smashed to pieces. Kalau ttbe ada org ketuk pintu rmh and berbalas pantun dgn mak abah nk merisik ak, sah sah ak tolak. I dont want to make anyone as a rebound. Nope! Never!

But.... What i really feel is..........I rlly apreciated the beauty of arranged marriage. The beauty of love AFTER marriage. Bila kita jaga pergaulan. Berkwin bukan sekadar nafsu... Now THAT is a wow!!

Amik cth my parents. Both x pnh kenal before kahwin. It was arranged marriage. And despite of kekurangan n kelemahan each other, they try to appreciate each other kebolehan n kelebihan. After all rintangan, they did it.

damsel-in-distress-to-be

i wore heels when im going back to malaysia. purpose? it give me extra height. and i can easily put my bags on overhead compartment without help. u might think im exagerating..but hey, im 35kg. coming from me, i think its huge enough, rite! 

but there is one time, the overhead compartment is verrry big. my bag goes wayyy down and i cant reach it.. so, i ask for help. thank god there is a guy sit beside me. my saviour...

and masa tu jgak..... terpikir. slama ni i am very independent. whenever possible, i will try my best not to ask for help. cause i feel such a failure if i do so... or i become a burden to others. i dont want to be a damsel-in-distress... and maybe because of that i become boring. easy. and maybe sbb tu lah, all this thing happen. 

and im tired...maybe lepas ni, no more tough girl 24/7..... sekali sekala nak jgk jd org yg memerlukan pertolongan. and probably a prince charming will come and save the day. if im lucky, the prince charming will stay. stay with me. and probably for forever. 

sooo, thats why for the title --> damsel-in-distress-to-be

a dilemma - a pass or a fail

dear jade,

   i was once betrayed. and you were there with me. i was at brink of tears and you offered me tissue. lots and lots of it. and when i did cry, you offered me a shoulder to cry for. when im at conflict, you tried to give the best advice you can. instead of forcing, you guide me. and for that im at most grateful. and you has become my jade. my one and only jade.

   jade, now we are at the verge of getting separated.... and me being so weak, i dont want to lose you. you are my only friend. i dont think i can do it without you. who will hear my rant? who else would offer me a shoulder to cry for? i dont think i can stand being the tough me without you. i cant.

   you may not know, jade, but i had decided to stay with you. because moving forward without you feels like trying to breath in water. its suffocating. it hurts. 

   but i know its wrong. its wrong to prepare myself for thing like that. it just wrong. i feel like im such a failure. instead of feeling happy, i feel like shit. im feeling so down. 

   jade, im getting confused each day. i dont know what i want anymore. to move forward and going to third year or to stay behind? i dont know what to do anymore.

   i feel empty. like there is a hollow in my heart. i keep thinking of the pro's and con's of each. but yet, im getting more confused. i cried myself to sleep thinking that i made a grave mistake. yet, i still think of staying. 

   jade, im scared jade. idk. i just dont know. whatever the result will be, im going to accept it. and hope fr the best for me and you. 

Love,

Me

caffeinated-pumped-zombie

pass or fail. its like having an academical life sentence...study days and nights...less sleep and eventually more caffeine pump inside our system. not to mention all those panic attack and teary moments when we felt down... i guess tht pretty sum up study break.... in one word, caffeinated-zombie! 

and its kinda quite normal having classmate post selfie pic with oversize eyebag or selfie with a sleepy eyes and straight smile... and somehow, seeing tht post, it feels like a mutual understanding between all. we all tired. tensed. and wish that this, what-ever-we-shud-called-this-super-tension-moments to be over and get over it soon. 

and a new routine had started. wake early morning, has pray, eat breakfast... then go library. lunch break plus pray, then library again. again dinner break plus pray.... then library again. then go bck home sleeping. and wake up tommorow early morning. the cycle start again.  seee... we became caffeinated-pumped-zombie. and its tiring. how i wish it ends soon.