damsel-in-distress-to-be

i wore heels when im going back to malaysia. purpose? it give me extra height. and i can easily put my bags on overhead compartment without help. u might think im exagerating..but hey, im 35kg. coming from me, i think its huge enough, rite! 

but there is one time, the overhead compartment is verrry big. my bag goes wayyy down and i cant reach it.. so, i ask for help. thank god there is a guy sit beside me. my saviour...

and masa tu jgak..... terpikir. slama ni i am very independent. whenever possible, i will try my best not to ask for help. cause i feel such a failure if i do so... or i become a burden to others. i dont want to be a damsel-in-distress... and maybe because of that i become boring. easy. and maybe sbb tu lah, all this thing happen. 

and im tired...maybe lepas ni, no more tough girl 24/7..... sekali sekala nak jgk jd org yg memerlukan pertolongan. and probably a prince charming will come and save the day. if im lucky, the prince charming will stay. stay with me. and probably for forever. 

sooo, thats why for the title --> damsel-in-distress-to-be

a dilemma - a pass or a fail

dear jade,

   i was once betrayed. and you were there with me. i was at brink of tears and you offered me tissue. lots and lots of it. and when i did cry, you offered me a shoulder to cry for. when im at conflict, you tried to give the best advice you can. instead of forcing, you guide me. and for that im at most grateful. and you has become my jade. my one and only jade.

   jade, now we are at the verge of getting separated.... and me being so weak, i dont want to lose you. you are my only friend. i dont think i can do it without you. who will hear my rant? who else would offer me a shoulder to cry for? i dont think i can stand being the tough me without you. i cant.

   you may not know, jade, but i had decided to stay with you. because moving forward without you feels like trying to breath in water. its suffocating. it hurts. 

   but i know its wrong. its wrong to prepare myself for thing like that. it just wrong. i feel like im such a failure. instead of feeling happy, i feel like shit. im feeling so down. 

   jade, im getting confused each day. i dont know what i want anymore. to move forward and going to third year or to stay behind? i dont know what to do anymore.

   i feel empty. like there is a hollow in my heart. i keep thinking of the pro's and con's of each. but yet, im getting more confused. i cried myself to sleep thinking that i made a grave mistake. yet, i still think of staying. 

   jade, im scared jade. idk. i just dont know. whatever the result will be, im going to accept it. and hope fr the best for me and you. 

Love,

Me

caffeinated-pumped-zombie

pass or fail. its like having an academical life sentence...study days and nights...less sleep and eventually more caffeine pump inside our system. not to mention all those panic attack and teary moments when we felt down... i guess tht pretty sum up study break.... in one word, caffeinated-zombie! 

and its kinda quite normal having classmate post selfie pic with oversize eyebag or selfie with a sleepy eyes and straight smile... and somehow, seeing tht post, it feels like a mutual understanding between all. we all tired. tensed. and wish that this, what-ever-we-shud-called-this-super-tension-moments to be over and get over it soon. 

and a new routine had started. wake early morning, has pray, eat breakfast... then go library. lunch break plus pray, then library again. again dinner break plus pray.... then library again. then go bck home sleeping. and wake up tommorow early morning. the cycle start again.  seee... we became caffeinated-pumped-zombie. and its tiring. how i wish it ends soon. 

write and rewrite the correction till you get it right!!

'Fahmi, fifah bawak beg sekolah mai sini!'

Almost tiap minggu, ni lah ayat keramat yang abah akan cakap. buat spot check katanya. Abah akan buka dan geledah beg sorang2. takkk... bukannya nak cari barang2 haram. tapi nak cek buat kerja sekolah ke tak! abah bukak satu persatu buku. kalau ada salah disuruh buat correction. kalau ada homework, disuruh siapkan on the spot! hoho. mungkin sebab ni kot, aku selalu siapkan homework masa sekolah rendah. sebab ada orang yang make sure homework tu completed. and orng itu adalah abah! tapi bila dah masuk sekolah menengah abah dah tak cek dah beg kami, kononya kami dah 'besar'. mampu nk uruskan diri sendiri... cewahhh. 

disebabkan abah ni cikgu yang mengajar bahasa omputihh, buku latihan bahasa inggeris ni lagi teliti pulak spot check dia. paling pantang kalau ada salah ejaan kaa. salah grammar ka... memang kena lahhh. aku siap ada satu buku latihan bahasa inggeris kat rumah. nak tau dak apa tujuan buku tu??? haaa, kalau ada salah ejaan, aku kena tulih balik perkataan tu sampai 50 kali. sampai la dapat hafal dan tak akan salah ejaan tu dahhh. kalau still salah, kena salin lagi perkataan tuu. haishhh... aku ingat lagi, aku pernah salah eja beautiful. hahhaha. sampai mati aku ingat ejaan beautiful, insyAllah. :) (p/s: bnyak ja ejaan lain yang aku salah tapi perkataan beautiful ni ja aku sentiasa ingat)

kadang2 bila abah buat spot check mengejut, tak sempat nak sorok jawapan kertas periksa.... aisehhh, mmg kena ahh esp kalo result teruk. itu pun kena buat correction gak tau dakkk!!! sebenarnya semua subjek kena buat correction kalau salah.... aku ingat lagi, kalau matematik, aku salin 3 kali.... hmm, sbb apa kena salin tiga kali ja, hat tu aku tak tauuu. tapi kannn,  nasib baik abah tak suruh salin 50 kali gak kann correction soalan matematik. kalau tak, berkurang lagi masa bermain aku...

ohh, satu lagi, abah ada suruh salin esei bahasa inggeris. salin jaaa. ambik buku contoh karangan, tiru... salin words by words. kononya dapat biasakan diri dengan cara nk buat esei. abah pesan soh buat satu sehari. tapi aku malas. masa hujung minggu, aku akan salin siap2 utk hari minggu tu... so, tak dak la berkurang masa bermain aku time hari mingggu.. trick mengelat nihhh...hahaha.. tapi ni pun hangat2 taik ayam jaaa, lepas dua tiga bulan, aku dah tak salin dah. abah pun tak ingat nak tanya. aku pun... apa lagi, buat2 lupa lah. hahahah.

tapi betul la, kenangan zaman dlu best sangat. walaupun aku ni nampk mcm budak nerd sebab mak bapak dua2 cikgu, tapi aku enjoy sangat masa kanak2 aku. paling best bila pi sekolah mak abah, mesti kakak2 dan abang2 (depa ni anak2 murid mak dan abah aku) akan belanja makan or minum.

kalau join school trip sekolah mak n abah lagi best! pernah sekali tu, mak, aku n abang pi cameron highland. abah n paan dok kat rumah. masa tu paan kecik lagi. abah ngn mak still mengajar SMK Baling time nih. gambaq beromantik ngn abang ada lagi kat rumah. nk tergelak tengok gmbaq tuhh. hahahhah. kenangan kenangan. 

rindu zaman2 kanak2 riang gumbira ceria bersahaja. sekali sekala rasa macam nak putar masa ke zaman dlu sekejap. nk take rest of this hectic life and reminiscence skjap. hmmmm~~

banyak pulak aku membebel ni. padahal banyak kerja tak siap lagi. ahahhaha. okeylah. ciau dlu for now.. 

13 jam A380

dah lama sangat tak beli novel melayu. dekat 6 bulan dah. kalau dlu, blh kata tiap2 bulan ak mesti akan beli novel. bkn tahap kaki novel dah ni. jdi hantu novel dahh. tapi ni lah novel first aku since past 6 months. bukannya boikot novel tapi kat india mana nak cari novel melayu. novel omputih berlambak ah. bila dah lama tak duk kat tanah air ni, dah tak amik tau sangat dah pasal novel terbaru. dah tak amik tau dah psl penulis tiptop terbaru. beli novel ni pun sebab ada org yg super duper excited rekemen novel ni kat alu. harapnya berbaloi lahh.

cakap pasal novel ni kann, wpun aku ni hantu novel, ak tak berapa suka sangat ngn novel yg plot dia clicheé teramat sgt. nak tau pasaipa? sbb cerita tu mmg jauh kebenor dari realiti semasa. it will NEVER ever occur in my life. so, bc novel mcm ni just for fun. nthgs there to ambik pengajaran. 

cause in my life, there will be no anak jutawan yg ttba nak buat lahwin kontrak ngn ak, or my first love yg dah lama tak contact tetiba datang masuk meminang, or a rich man yg duda anak satu sanggup byr duit kat alu just to pretend to be his wife and mother to his daughter. newsflash, this aint reality. life aint like a novel. it just plain simple.